Salman Khan, the superstar fool, cannot save Tubelight
There is something called hamming and then there is the sheer idiotic arrogance of a superstar. Should an actor ham on screen, pose as if to move a mountain while grunting in a constipated fashion, call it acting and be paid millions for the mayhem, it is the latter. In simple words: b*llshit.
When Salman Khan behaved like an endearing buffoon and entertained us in Dabangg with his shirt tearing itself off, his confidence and lack of pretence, he charmed both fans and critics.
He tossed off any attempt at choreography and created his own belt-wiggling movements to "hud hud dabangg...", which went on to become his signature move.
Now that's a Salman who was being himself and since he did succeed in entertaining, one didn't mind this kind of blatant lunacy.
But, when he is given an image makeover and made to put on a cute, bhola bhala, bachcha face in Bajrangi Bhaijaan, along with a cute child on his shoulder and it works at the box office, things begin to look dangerous. Because, this is no longer about Salman and his freewheeling attitude.
It is a calculated move to take forward the saccharine Raj Kumar Hirani-esque formula mastered by Aamir Khan's wide-eyed PK look and simply package it with a Bajrangi wave.
And with Tubelight now, not only are we saddled with Salman as a simpleton, but also as an insufferable imbecile who does not zip up his pants. He dons a half-sweater and a full-sleeved shirt, mirroring the hero from the '50s and the '60s.
(In case you missed it in the promos -and despite watching the movie like the writer did - Tubelight is a period film which begins in the pre-Independence days and culminates around the 1962 India-China War.)
The Salman of Tubelight is made to indulge in what look like Bharatnatyam-inspired moves with his neck, chin and eyes, to convey that he is a grown-up man with the brain of a child.
"Tubelight" is but a polite word to use. His brain apparently never comprehends much. Ideally, in a film script, that is a winner underdog characteristic which instantly gains sympathy from the audience.
However, courtesy the Salman school of acting, the protagonist only looks and behaves like a beefed-up idiot doing pushups with his cheeks.
The entire film is divided into three parts. One, when another reigning superstar - Shahrukh Khan - graces the screen in the garb of a magician and teaches Salman how to make a bottle move; with sheer willpower and belief, without manoeuvring with his hands.
"Kya tum he yakeen hai?" The magician Khan asks gently, with as much conviction as he can muster, considering this is supposed to be an iconic moment with two rival superstars coming together in a scene.
The scene is clearly intended to evoke whistles and cheers and claps from the audience. It can only take a talent of a special kind, to make such a scene fall flat. After all, this is the first scene of bullshit - one asking you to have faith in a star to act. So he acts. With all his muscular seriousness and sincerity, he poses with one hand in the front and the other behind. Voila!
Then he grunts. You wonder if Shahrukh will offer him a bottle Isafgul and they will turn into brand ambassadors. But no such luck. Kyonki Salman Khan ko yakeen hai ki public bevkoof hai.
So he gives us "Yakeen" part two. He stands in front of a beautiful mountain range. Incidentally, this looks like a prefect holiday spot, better than Yash Chopra's use of Switzerland.
Full marks to the location spot where a bench is placed and Salman can stare at the mountains. No, there is no song like "suraj hua madhyam..." or the hero dancing atop a rock with the heroine perfectly clad in a chiffon saree.
Neither do we see the hero exchanging angry words with God or him praying for his dear brother's life. Instead, we see him standing in his 'yakeen' pose, threatening to "move mountains".
Because his mentor - Om Puri - had given him an idiom made famous by Mahatma Gandhi: "Agar yakeen hai to tum chattaan hila sake ho".
So, of course, the next sequence is yet another ridiculous Salman pose and louder grunt, in front of the scenic mountain range. No belt wiggling, no shirt popping off, no fight sequence: the three things Salman or any action hero would be expected to do.
Instead, a bigger grimace. And some more grunting. There is actually some originality here, one must concur.
The film then moves to its final exhibit: Yakeen part 3.
Now it's not just Salman who tries to move a bottle with his eyes. His opponent-the guy who always mocked him - Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub - also attempts the same.
For some reason, he is more amusing than the comedian Khan who has moved on to enacting unabashedly repetitive scenes in which he masters howling in varying degrees, as he stares at his brother, reel and real, Sohail Khan's picture. Therein lies an idea for a horror show, though.
Salman's fans may need handkerchiefs and tissues after watching their hero sob like a child in Tubelight. Others may need Isafgul or aspirin.
Whichever the case, here is an appeal to the lesser idiot to say no to further glorified hamming in the name of stardom and cinema.