What my depression has taught me

Recently, I gathered all the courage I could and reached out to a friend I had thought would understand my situation. I confided in her that I am often left feeling hopeless and drained by my personal struggles.

And that often I feel there is no drive left in me to carry out my routine. I also opened up to her about how difficult it is for me to pull myself out of the bed and that all that I once loved to do means nothing to me. Her response shook me and inspired me to write this piece.

My friend remarked: “This is absolutely not expected from someone as strong as you?! Being such a positive person that you are, how can you even feel so low? Focus on good things you have in life!”

I realised that despite education, information and abundant communication about depression, there is a deep stigma associated with the condition, so people either equate it with unhappiness or consider it an unmanageable mental ailment.

As opposed to my expectation that she would hear me out and offer me support, my friend infused guilt into me. Perhaps, this happens with most. Hence few people report depression and prefer to remain mum about their condition.

In 2012, I lost a friend to depression. He committed suicide. For those who knew him, he was the most sorted person — emotionally. He always looked at life as a blessing, was jovial and wanted to live a rich life. Hence, when he slipped into depression, no one got to know. Rather no one wanted to know.

After he died, his family and friends recalled how he often talked about ending his life. At times seriously and sometimes as a joke.

And one day, he seemed different at dinner; he didn’t eat well, he looked grim. His father asked him if he was feeling unwell. He said he didn’t and asked to be left alone. He left for his room. The next morning, his body was found hanging from the ceiling fan of his room. He had planned the suicide meticulously. In fact, he had gone to the market the previous evening to buy the rope, taken a shower, changed his clothes and performed a puja before killing himself.

To this day, his family repents that it did not take his depression seriously. It feels had he received medical help, he’d be alive and doing his chores like the rest of us. Interestingly, some within his family always called him a coward. That is another notion that the world has about those battling depression. Most people term suicide an act of cowardice, rather than calling it the result of severe depression.

It is high time that we spoke openly about depression and other disorders. Unfortunately, it seems most of us live in denial. We choose to believe that depression is equal to unhappiness and that finding the silver lining will treat it.

I spoke with Mimansa Singh Tanwar, a clinical psychologist at Department of Mental health and Behavioural Sciences, Fortis Healthcare about the shame people associate with going through depression and speaking about the condition.

She said, “Depression is a mental illness that needs to be treated like any other physical illness. We often believe that since it’s the mind that is making us act in a certain way, we should just control it and snap out of it. Any mental illness involves the brain and the mind, where the mind connotes to cognitions (thoughts), the brain enacts on the neurotransmitters to secret hormones which lead to changes in the cognition and behaviour. Hence it is not in your control. I often come across patients feeling guilty and disappointed with oneself for carrying this sadness and not being able to engage in their routine. The blame is often taken upon onself for feeling disconnected or being less functional than usual. Depression is not by choice.”

According to World Health Organisation’s factsheet on “Depression and Other Common Mental Disorders” for 2015, while more than five crore Indians suffered from depression, more than three crore others suffered from anxiety disorders.

Interestingly, the WHO factsheet on depression threw up a fact that corroborates that there is a growing stigma around mental health, leading fewer people to report depression and other mental disorders.

The WHO factsheet states that while more than 300 million people across the world are affected by depression, fewer than 10 per cent receive treatment to tackle the disorder. This means 90 per cent of those suffering depression never approach a psychiatrist or a psychologist for medical care.

When I had once shared with a colleague that I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression, she promptly began to sermonise the ill effects of such medicines and advised me to count my blessings.

I only had one piece of advice for her and did not hesitate to share it. I asked her to read about depression, to lend an ear to someone affected by it rather than shower he/she with advice.

The approach the family and friends of those suffering from depression adopt goes a long way, as Mimansa explained to me: “If you find anyone suffering from signs and symptoms of depression, avoid making comments like,"dont worry everything will be ok, you just need to put your effort and you will be out of it, how can you suffer from depression? And many more reactions which can make the individual feel invalidated. Depression can happen to anyone across all ages and the individual should be encouraged to seek professional help by talking to psychologist/psychiatrist. Give support by empathising with the individual and refrain from negating its presence, advising or sympathising.”

Standup comedy group AIB came up a fantastic video on the condition, “If people treated other illnesses like they treat depression”. It beautifully captures the lack of information on depression and how most of the people think it is a state of mind created by those who have a negative bent of mind. Interestingly, you will find the most positive and optimistic people suffering from the disorder.

Depression is a discreet enemy. It quietly settles inside one’s brain and slowly makes one incapable of carrying out her/his routine. Some even reach a state of detachment from everyone and everything around themselves and choose to commit suicide. It is for all of us to remember always. Ending one’s life is not easy. How does depression lead to suicide?

Mimansa says, “The most common cause of suicide is depression. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness is so severe that individual experiences and the sense of belief in self and others completely dies down. People often believe that if you talk about suicide it is going to lead the person in that direction. This is a myth. The fact is it is important for the individual to share and talk about what he/she is feeling. They should reach out to someone for help. They should be given support in the form of a patient listener and encouraged to seek professional help as this will prevent suicide.”

The irony is, one can fall ill and report sick at work to be able to rest. But it needs a lot of courage and trust in the organisation one works at, to be able to frankly discuss one’s mental situation and seek leave.

Before one can even inform the office about one’s mental situation, one contemplates several times how the discussion will impact his/her career and what impression it will leave on the bosses. The fear that the mention of depression might arouse doubts about one’s capabilities to handle long-term projects also discourages the one suffering from depression to open up to his/her seniors at work.

Offices too need to be sensitised about depression and there need to be clearly defined HR policies to support those battling the disorder.

The need of the hour is to speak openly about depression, with no shame attached to it. Only when we speak about it will an accommodative environment, sensitive to such an issue be created.

The next time you feel depressed, talk about it. And make sure you visit a doctor. Believe me, it helps.