The terrible song I sing every time I stand in front of an ATM

Like everyone in India, except perhaps some politicians, celebs and businesspeople, I spent the last week standing in line for the good of the nation, hoping to withdraw at least some of my own money from my bank for the good of my stomach.

Like many of us at the time, I began this mission singing the national anthem in my head and chortling evilly at the thought of people whose “kaala dhan” can no longer go through a Fair and Lovely treatment to come out bleached and sparkling white (sorry, disco pink).

But to my horror, I learned from government sources (as bellowed on TV) that dying in line at the bank in solidarity with our soldiers dying at the borders is not a patriotic thing to do.

It is severely anti-national, they said, to be Indian and display to the world that you have no cash even if you really do have no cash.

You have no idea how terrible I felt. Sure, I need cash as much as most people, some politicians, celebs and businesspeople not included, but not at this cost.

So I decided to use my time standing in line to think of more patriotic ways to bring some money into my home and food into my stomach.

And the answer, my friends, came blowin’ in the wind. (Okay, blowin’ in a lot of hot air, but so what? It’s unpatriotic to complain about the heat in India, or indeed about hot air.)

Here’s the solution to my problem: I shall write very bad poetry that I will sing even worse, and then, like Bob Dylan, I shall win the Nobel Prize for Literature that will a) bring India forex in whatever the Swedish currency might be; b) bring India great acclaim and take the world’s mind off our currency (un)crisis by creating Twitter storms that mock me; and c) allow me to be sponsored by businessmen who have enough plastic to pay me in cash to sing my bad poetry around the country and thus stay out of the bank queue forever.

To kick off my new career, here’s my first bad song:

(In front of) How many banks must a person queue up,

Before they will hand over cash?

How many queues must the kaala dhan join,

Before it can go in the bank?

Yes and, how many times can a person say no,

No, you can’t use those notes, cos they’re banned?

The answers my friend, are in good governance minds.

The answers are impossible to find.

Yes, and how many deaths will it take for the government to know,

That too many have died in those lines?

Yes, and how many times can the govt change the rules,

And still think that we’ll think it’s fine?

Yes, and how many poor can the country just let go,

While the few with plastic go out to dine?

The answers my friend, are in good governance minds.

The answers are impossible to find.

Yes, and how many smartphones can the poor people buy,

Before they can feed their families?

Yes, and how many sick can go without their meds,

And still stand in the lines cheerfully?

Yes, and how many years do we have left of this govt,

Before we can do as we’ve been done by?

The answers my friend, are in good governance minds.

The answers are impossible to find.

Also read: Demonetisation has turned India into world’s fastest slowing economy