The stony silence that falls the moment the word "rape" is mentioned is perhaps an indicator of just how difficult it is to talk about it, especially if it becomes a personal tragedy to befall anyone. Mostly, it is women who get raped, and even though there are some among us bold enough to talk about it in the open, there's a heavy lid on what the (often male) partner goes through, because, well, "it is not about him, for once".
However, what remains bottled within, what stays pent up because society refuses it a space for self-expression, becomes an emotional morass, a vortex of pain and guilt that eats up many a man, and woman.
As most of us struggle around life, not liking ourselves enough, battling loneliness, with an yearning to seem authentic, to feel real things, to connect, we often miss out on the stories that lie in the shadows. Shadows of unimaginable pain and hurt, gashes so deep within our integrity and being that they black out every other feeling, feeling that someone else felt when the Big Hurt came our way.
Nowadays, the struggle is in the attempt to gather your slowness, to gather your thoughts while we're all running towards something, running from something. Some of us meet people with whom we can share a life with, who belong to the same mental landscape as we do for a brief period, which is otherwise like an assembly line of heroin shots, adrenaline and addiction, all day, every day.
Sometimes we are lucky enough to marry them, and over time, with proximity, comes care, which then turns into a home, surrounded by walls, flanked by giant plans called life. All of it just to make that someone feel safe.
So what happens when someone throws a matchstick at your house of cards, your meticulously constructed "safe life"?
Things burn and everything turns to dust.
Have we ever asked how does a person feel after his beloved is raped, or sexually assaulted?
A man who frequents Twitter and goes by the handle @AngryBlkManDC shared what happened to his life after someone landed a brutal blow to his life of lucky togetherness.
He spoke about how his life changed after his wife was raped 18 years ago, in 1998. In a series of tweets that went viral, he poured his heart out and shared how his relationship with his wife deteriorated as it was eaten away from within. Wracked by guilt and pain, he spoke about how he couldn't function overwhelmed by the shame of not being there for her when she really needed him, physically.
Guilt and humiliation devoured his relationship with himself, over time spreading to what he felt about his wife, bringing that to a gradual but inevitably tragic end.
When the Bulandshahr rape made the national headlines, I was haunted for weeks thinking about just how awfully helpless we can feel in the face of such brutality.
We speak about the immense tragedy the mother and daughter faced, and of course, it was a thing too horrible for words to accurately convey.
But what we didn't at all speak about was what the husband and the father went through, who had to stand there and bear witness to what those assaulters, other men, did with the women they deeply cared about. Just tied to a pole, looking at them getting raped, looking at them screaming, unable to do anything.
In a way, they are victims of rape too.
Coming back to @AngryBlkManDC, he spoke about the devastating complication of feeling like absolute shit because you couldn't help another human being, a human being you loved more than any other person in the world. @AngryBlkManDc authentically broke down everything we thought we knew about how "tough cookies" function, bringing it a full circle to the morose lonely state we were born into.
This is his story. Read his tweets to the very end of this thread.
I've never heard another man discuss the impact a rape of a woman he loved had upon him. But I've lived it and feel compelled to share
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
July 10, 1998. The day before my birthday. I was out with the homies at an Orioles game. Hung out, got drunk, got high, had a ball.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
My girlfriend at the time had been out planning a surprise b-day party for me. Of course I was not aware of this at the time.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Anyway, I got home sometime around 2am. I admit that I had been driving drunk and should've stayed where I was.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
We lived together in Greenbelt at the time. I pulled up to the condo and saw a rack of police. I was drunk, so I got scared.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I didn't want to get out of the car and get hit with a DUI, so I sat there for about 30 mins. I then fell asleep.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I woke up around 4am to my girl's sister blowing up my cell phone. I answered and she was screaming "Where are you!?!?"
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I said "I'm right here, I'm right here" as I ran past the police cars still parked there, into the building and to my condo.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
As I ran up the stairs I saw pieces of a dress that I had bought my girl strewn all over the steps. My heart was racing like shit.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I got to my front door and cops were taking fingerprints. I told them who I was, showed my ID and they allowed me access.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I walked in and my girl was on the floor balled up in a fetal position covered in a bathrobe. I walked over to her & she was shaking
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I kept asking what happened, but she wouldn't answer. She just kept crying. Her sister pulled me away, into the bedroom & broke the news.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
As she arrived home & placed her key in the door, she heard quick footsteps. A man grabbed her from behind & began to choke her.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
He tried to force her into the apartment, but she fought back. He then dragged her down 2 flights of stairs & out of the building.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
From there he assaulted her physically and then forcefully took her to the back of the building into a wooded area.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
At that point, he then sexually assaulted her. He physically assaulted her. He stole her purse & her keys and took off in her car.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
As my girl's sister told me this, I broke down. I mean, I broke the fuck down. I went back out and tried to hug my girl. She screamed.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I talked to the police. They verified what her sister told me. I was in shock. I couldn't breathe.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
My baby was hurting. I wasn't there. I wasn't there to keep this from happening. Dear, God.. why!?!?
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Never in my life had I felt so much pain. I wasn't there to keep her from being raped. I was all kinds of fucked up.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Her sister got her up enough to get her to the hospital. We rode in the car silently. I sat in waiting areas while exams were done.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Got home. Her mom had arrived by then with her other sisters. They all surrounded her with love. Me, she wouldn't let me near her at all
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I just sat there... broken. There was nothing I could do. I'd touch her gently and she'd jump and start crying.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Cops had nothing on the car. Insurance was being a hassle. My mom then came over to see her.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
She went to stay with her sister. I advertised the condo for rent and we moved less than a week after the incident.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
There was no way we could stay there. She was a shell. She didn't say a single word to me for close to two weeks.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
The police would call, say they had potential suspects and I'd drive her down to Palmer Park to look at line-ups. Nothing. A painful process
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Eventually we settled into the basement of a friend's home for shelter. All of our stuff in storage. No car found, no assailant caught.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
After months of going to police station, the leads didn't pan out. No one was caught. The car turned up in the parking lot at Jasper's.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
She refused to get back in the car. State Farm gave me hassle. Claims agent joked that maybe we stole our own car since it was found close.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
All the anger & pain bottled up in me released. I jumped over the counter at the State Farm office and grabbed the claims agent.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I'm dealing with all this and this asshole thought we made it all up for insurance money. I lost it. Other employees grabbed me off him
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
They threatened to call the police. I told them what he said and what we had been through and that I had every right to kirk out on him.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
We ended up getting compensated for items stolen from the vehicle and nothing else. I sold the car and got her something else.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
For the next 18 mos, it was pure hell. I did everything I could to be there for her. I didn't push sex because I knew what her psyche was.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
No intimacy at all. Even 18 mos later when I tried to hug her, she'd shiver and cry uncontrollably. She refused any suggestions of therapy.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
2 years after the incident, we parted ways. We had been together for 3 years before that terrible night occurred.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I still reflect back to that night and the shit still hurts like hell.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I wasn't there to save her from the pain and anguish. I wasn't there. I was out with the homies at a baseball game, drinking & smoking.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Of course there was no way for me to know an assailant would victimize her that night. But I still feel bad about it. I wasn't there........
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
My 26th birthday. A day I'll never forget. The pain I still hold in my heart. The love I had for someone who was sexually assaulted.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Life changed. I changed. I never let any woman I was dating walk to or from my home or theirs without escort or careful watch.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Yes, the perpetrator was eventually arrested & convicted. I started my story with the link to his sentence. https://t.co/KgQLEVo6Ia
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
I had years of wishing I could get my hands on him. I had so much bottled up in me. I wanted to kill him for what he did to her.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
The system took care of him. Justice right? I don't feel it. He ruined lives. Not just my girlfriend's life, but other women he raped.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Anyway, as you can tell I'm still impacted by it. 18 years later. Thanks for listening...
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
While I'm being transparent & 100% truthful. It wasn't just my girlfriend, it was my wife. Incident occurred a month after we got married.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016
Still very, very hard to digest. That incident wrecked our marriage. Sadly, there was no recovering from it.
— Angry Man (@AngryBlkManDC) August 16, 2016