Are you doing it enough? Here's what the experts say
The incredible Internet has been known to inundate us with information on an infinite number of subjects — not least being topics related to sex. We are told how amazingly orgasmic a couple’s sex life can — and should — be. And how we should purportedly be having copious amounts of this fantastic sex.
It’s not surprising, then, if this steady influx of sexual mandate begins to cause real concern.
Questions like ‘Are we having enough sex?’, ‘What is a healthy frequency?’, ‘Is our relationship doomed because we’re not having as much sex as we once did?’ and ‘Have I lost my mojo?’ soon grow to become unwelcome bedfellows, haunting our days and nights — especially nights.
To allay these fears, we spoke to Dr Shefali Batra, psychiatrist, cognitive therapist, founder of MINDFRAMES and co-founder of InnerHour. “Sexual frequency is very subjective,” she reassures. “There is no research to prove what an ideal frequency is.”
Although daily sexcapades sound far more exciting and healthier than an annual tryst — if the latter were the case — it doesn’t necessarily ring the death knell on your relationship.
Case in point — Woke celebrity Pink, who has admitted to annual sexual liaisons with her husband. Work, travel and raising kids can impede anyone’s libido, whether you’re a crazy-talented international music artiste or just a regular Prem or Priya. As long as your partner and you are on the same page, there are no rocky shores to brace for.
Sure, sexual appetites differ and alter over time, based on personal needs, priorities and the stage of your relationship. It’s why new couples tend to have a lot more sex than those for whom togetherness has become old hat.
But it’s a natural progression of sorts.
“A new relationship doesn’t have baggage yet,” explains Dr Batra. “You’re enthusiastic about being together, and you prioritise sex. It’s when the 'honeymoon period' is over and you’ve gotten accustomed to your partner that you start becoming okay with lesser sex.”
Reduced sexual desire doesn’t necessarily indicate a loss of sexual interest in your partner. The change can be brought on by a variety of factors — besides the passage of time — and these can be external or internal, physical or psychological. The spectrum is wide, ranging from depression and other illnesses, to work stress and living with in-laws. Having house guests or a child sleeping with you in your room, or even a recent argument with your partner — these are all valid reasons for lowered sexual frequency.
Sometimes, factors like cacophonous traffic or bright lights can be the things veering you off track. After all, good sex requires a good mood.
“Unless you feel like it, you won’t be able to do it,” agrees Dr Batra. If these little details are the only things turning you off, once you’re aware of them, they can be easily remedied, and your sexual frequency can be steered back on the path of sexual satisfaction.
Raise an alarm only when sex has been taken off the table completely — or has begun to feel like a chore.
Here’s another caveat: “If there has been a sudden change in your regular sexual pattern, you should find out why,” counsels Dr Batra.
Maintaining healthy communication about your sexual needs is crucial to a happy relationship. Sometimes, misunderstandings are the cause of the change in frequency and can be resolved merely by talking with your partner. It isn’t uncommon to have a situation where one partner wants to have sex but assumes the other is uninterested.
In other cases, one partner may have specific preferences — like wanting to have sex only after a shower or only in the mornings — and may be turned off by sex outside of these requisites.
If you discuss the whys, you get to the root of the issue and can easily solve it.
“That song that goes ‘let’s talk about sex, baby’ — I totally subscribe to its mantra,” says Dr Batra.
As do we.
So, let’s talk about sex, baby.
And remember, there is no right or wrong amount of sex to be had, as long as you’re satisfied.