Why not to use the F-word
"She's ffff…large., he told me, when we were casting for a play.
"Yes," his wife added, "definitely… big built…" her voice dropped to a whisper as she shot a quick, guilty look at the four-year-old in the room.
"Quite, quite healthy." The others in the room nodded in agreement.
Only one person thought of me. The designated fat lady in the room. "Fuck! I'm damn sorry!" he called across the room. "You felt bad or what?"
Let me think about it. I've spent the last few hours in a room full of theatre artists, who make a living being completely emotionally naked in front of halls full of people, who often spend time completely exposed and vulnerable to each other to hone sensitivity. Who have all dropped F-bombs, smoked about a hundred cigarettes each, snorted cocaine off each other's collar bones, drunk entire breweries worth of alcohol, all in front of an impressionable four-year-old, who already believes "Fuck" is an actual person in the room, and no one wants to say the word "fat" because I might feel bad. HOW ABOUT FEELING BAD THAT MY BRAND NEW COUCH WAS JUST USED TO DRY MARIJUANA LEAVES ON? HOW ABOUT WORRYING THAT MY DOG MIGHT GET HIGH, GET MUNCHIES AND EAT THE CAT, EFFERS??
People believe, that if you don't call it what it is, then you won't feel bad. I heard someone describe a fat man as "softly muscular." And another, a cat, as "equatorial." Yet another referred to my neighbor as "Jolly," making me feel like I should be sitting on her lap and asking for gifts or something. Finally, it's all fine to make personal comments as long as they use a euphemism.
I love the conclusions people come to when they're searching themselves for impolite behaviour. I had a colleague who kept calling everyone over thirty, "old." He even dropped the word "dark" here and there without lowering his voice. Once, he called our boss, dumb. To his face.But put him in front of someone fat, and he was always respectful. He'd even refer to the idlys as "fluffy" instead of plump. It was all A1OKFULLYFINE as long he wasn't saying the word that started with f, ended with t, and had a in the middle. You know the one, the one that was rude.
It's beginning to get a bit confusing for me. Because you never know which word is going to land you in the Rude category. And have you uninvited for parties, or worse, unfollowed on social media! I used to think that if a chilli is red, it's right to call it so. But, what if the correct terminology is "crimson," "cherry" or "blushing?" I wouldn't want the chilli to feel bad. Even if I was merely stating a fact, with no emotion attached to it. Even I was ignoring the years of judgment the word has accrued and giving it back its objective status. Even if was using an adjective to do what it was supposed to. It's safer, I believe, to call it, perhaps, "ROBUST." As in, cut a ROBUST chilli, in to pieces. NO!NO! Not the…err…verdant one! Robust! ROBUST! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE BLOOD!
I sincerely hope you're doing the same and using only your safe words. It worked for the couple in Fifty Shades of Grey. Who knows, it might work for you.