Let's teach kids not to be ashamed of sex

When I was young I had the most unfortunate mix of circumstances, guaranteed to mess with the head of any young person. From my Hindu mother I learned to be modest, reserved, hardworking and dutiful. From my convent schooling I learned to be decorous, pious, and guilty. In the convent I was told to aspire, as our Mother Superior solemnly intoned “Girls,” she eyed us intensely: “Girls, I want you to be like limpid water in a crystal vase”! Both home and school worked hard to keep us sexually ignorant, unaware and reactive as opposed to proactive. They also taught me to be ashamed of my body, conservative in my dress, and to be ever wary of being alone with, or close to, members of the opposite sex.  

Back then, schools clung to values and norms that have left us as men and women with poor body images, sexually naive, safe not adventurous, and circumspect not risk takers. Modesty trumps all, and decorum must be observed, even at the expense of fun.

Mind you, it didn’t take me long to figure out that this was a load of codswallop and a decade overseas helped in the process. On returning home I was delighted that the '90s had ushered in co-ed schools that made it acceptable for boys and girls to mix freely and be close to each other.

Girls have boys as friends, and these childhood friendships last through into adulthood. Teenagers are beginning to own their sexuality with some children coming out as gay to the teachers they really trust, and gender equality, freedom and individual responsibility has replaced "ought","should" and "duty" in the lexicon of society and schools.

However, the sexualisation of children the world over is a concern as the media introduces these experiences to our children at an earlier and earlier age. TV comedy shows openly advocate sexual hook ups based on the premise that sex should be both casual, enjoyable, and recreational.

Through innumerable images and stories, TV presents us with myriad activities - from threesomes to twerking, one night stands to bondage, our children are getting the message so succinctly put by "Frankie goes to Hollywood." "Relax just do it." And when it is not on TV, on film or in music, porn is readily available on everyone’s computer.

In much of the hinterland attitudes are medieval, and in many of our urban schools the attitudes of many teachers are a throwback to the pre-information age. So how do we as educators help our students to value and respect each other and balance their sense of adventure and experimentation with a deep understanding of meaningful committed relationships?

As we make childhood longer by increasing the age of schooling, students now study well into their twenties. Our young adults are more technologically, sexually, and socially savvy. We cannot insist on singular ways of thinking and behaving. No matter how much we benefitted by them, that was then, and society has changed. The societal choices for our children have multiplied many times. Prejudice against others is gradually being eroded. Giving our children one ethical/social model is not the answer.

In progressive schools we do not try to specifically tell our children what to do or not do, only to make their choices based on personal integrity and respect for others. We hope they learn that what is right for one group or individual may not be right for others, and though there are some basic human values that they should adhere to - they should not try to impose their particular prejudices on others.

As educators I can only hope we are able to provide our children with navigation systems to find their way through an ever increasingly complex world. As a result - I would hope they would become principled, balanced, reflective, and caring – prepared to excel in the ever changing, competitive world that we have created for them.

I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out what Mother Superior meant by “limpid water in a crystal vase”. In my gentler moments I imagine she exhorted us to be clear, still and transparent in our “goodness”. In my not so gentle moments when I am battling with decades of guilt and shame – I am angry. And that’s when I thank my personalised god that my students are not passive or decorative – and they are getting more choices to actively and assertively explore and embrace many different moralities and lifestyles.