Indian men don't like to masturbate? Our beef with religion explained
January 2016 has been a tough month for religion in India. Think about it – it led to belligerent boo-hoos and had a comedian known largely for fat shaming women on national television arrested for mimicking a spiritual leader whose clothes likely come with their own power back up.
Furthermore, just two days ago, on Republic Day, when two world leaders were strengthening bilateral ties between India and France, using the age-old diplomatic strategy of posing-inappropriately-in-front-of-garden-statues, women agitators stormed the Shani Shingnapur Temple to oppose the "ban on entry into the inner sanctum of the shrine" – which is now both a coveted prayer spot and also my favourite euphemism of all time.
There was also another bout of blasphemy this January in the form of a Sunny Leone interview by news anchor Bhupendra Chaubey.
This is relevant here because I have made a religion of not being a sexist prude, and this 20-minute televisual aneurysm Section 295A’d the shit out of my religious sentiments.
Truly a terrible month for religion, January, 2016.
As the courts and Mr Fadnavis deal effectively with the former, I will address the latter. Maybe it's time us fellow followers of "Don’t-Be-A-Prude-ism" came together to haw! at the hypocrisy of a society that dismisses sex as a thing-only-western-culture-does and simultaneously stands proud with a population of 1.2 billion humans – a monumental feat in the area of unprotected sex, if ever there was one.
Now, after watching said interview, I did my bit as a responsible Indian citizen and expressed my outrage to a friend on WhatsApp in innovative expletives I didn’t think my brain was capable of spouting. The prompt response was – I paraphrase -- "Indians are like this only".
And it’s true. Of late, I find my religion has taken a real hit and it’s time we talked about it.
Recently, India Today conducted its fourteenth annual sex survey:
Some of the statistics were so offensive to my sentiments as a person-who-doesn't-pretend-to-hate-sexually-active-people, we actually created a segment called "REALLY?!" which featured the most bizarre statistics. Here are a few:
- Of the people surveyed, 59.5 per cent apostates said they do not masturbate - 53.1 per cent males, 65.9 per cent females.
Yes, you read that right. More than half of India’s males say they don’t toot their own trumpet – that seems unlikely, both as a euphemism and in its common figurative usage.
- Another heathen 52.6 per cent said oral sex is not important to them -- the largest number of infidels in this regard were from Kolkata (66.8 per cent), whom I have forgiven since regionalist stereotypes and tired joke formats inform me that they are considered an extremely lazy bunch.
Pagans to the tune of 43.2 per cent said they have never watched pornography. And that isn’t even the most FIR-provoking figure; that one went something like this -- 58.1 per cent respondents in Delhi said they have never watched pornography.
Now initially I found this hard to believe, but as is clear from the aforementioned interview and the recent ban on 498 porn sites that included the likes of 9gag, heretics in this country don’t really know what porn is and/or disregard it as a vile term.
Perhaps the question ought to have been reworded to "Do you watch Adult Films?" or more fittingly "Do you watch The Reason That Journalists Believe Aamir Khan Would Never Work With Sunny Leone?"
- 62.3 per cent people said their first sexual experience lived up to their expectations. Oh come on! Now these dissenters are just showing off. But to be fair, this one isn’t offensive to my religion, it has just really aggravated my resentment for the non-theists.
In fact, I’m so annoyed by this, I’m tossing in a Section 153A with the customary Section 295A charge – Yeah, go look that up, you happy first timers. BURN!
If these statistics are anything to go by, we’re either a bunch of liars, or we’re all prudish enough to dedicate too many ticking minutes of our lives trying to send people to jail and/or Pakistan over trivial things.
Either way, stop offending my sentiments with your hypocrisy – January 2016 is over, let it be a good year for religion. Start with mine. Because unlike others, it's the best.