Why surrogacy and paternity leave are vital for modern India
People often believe motherhood is a physical condition. It is attributed to the physical link between the child and the mother while in the womb, and then to breastfeeding, and then to actual feeding. As a mother of two, I have found this extra emphasis on physicality of motherhood worrying, stressful and regressive.
This idea attempts to reduce mothers to a creature that bears children and gives milk rather than cognitive human beings who have interests, emotions, and a legacy to leave for their children.
Indian society is undergoing a sea change in the way it raises children. In order to raise our children better, we must rethink parenting and the role of the mother and father. Parenting is increasingly becoming a joint responsibility.
The woman’s role as a mother is no longer just limited to biological needs of the child and the father is no longer the person who simply goes to work and is cognitively and emotionally absent from family life. In fact, both mothers and fathers can no longer afford to ignore the demands of their children with respect to their identities.
That means we need more of diaper-changing and hands-on fathers who let the mother fulfil her other roles in society. We need women who are great chefs, pilots, businesswomen, athletes, scientists, politicians, etc. to be role models for our children.
Society may find it hard to accept that children are being adopted, surrogated or artificially created. It wants to idealise a mother with a suckling infant and a toddler in tow. But this is contradictory to scientific evidence.
Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, considered one of the top scientists in animal behaviour, showed successfully through her research that humans have evolved as cooperative breeders, making them essentially unable to raise children without a helper.
Hrdy called this phenomenon "alloparenting" where child-care is shared by others in the community to give the mother more time to meet her needs. She argues that cooperative breeding among humans, in which humans adopt and nurture children other than their own, has allowed human young to grow slowly and have bigger brains.
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| We need more of diaper-changing and hands-on fathers who let the mother fulfil her other roles in society. |
Furthermore, she says there is no innate maternal instinct and humans have evolved largely because of cooperative breeding. Thus, single women and men, or same sex couples who opt for adoption, can be as competent parents as biological mothers or fathers.
If one looks hard at research in recent years, one can easily argue that terms of reproduction are adopting to the needs of the modern human. If done well, children are likely to benefit most by these changes in parenting and reproduction.
Any dialogue on new modes of reproduction and parenting must focus on children’s rights. One good side effect is that parents are no longer on a pedestal. They are subject to scrutiny for dereliction of their duties and inflicting hurt on children. It is high time our children enjoy some basic rights.
The fatal assumption is that the definitions of motherhood and fatherhood are fixed and their roles are rigid. Some definitions or "standards" were flawed to begin with. These changing models or definitions are inevitable. We must embrace ourselves for strict basic standards of parenting and expectations from an individual or a couple who chooses to raise a child to provide that child a mentally and physically secure environment.
We need an open dialogue on what we are going through. The west is increasingly addressing these changing demands. New parents are confronting issues ofchildrearing alongside their partners. Some make fun, some compare with the traditional families they grew up in. They all desire to adapt and make life better for their children. They wish to not repeat the mistakes of the past.
Overall, our lives are getting better. Our parenting styles are improving. Our children have better opportunities than us and our parents. There is no reason we should reverse that. It seems counter-intuitive to ban surrogacy and not give new fathers extended leave to bond with their newborn.
A society that fails to adapt with changing times is doing a disservice to these new parents who are trying to make a better life for themselves and their children. It is doing a disservice to women who want to position themselves beyond their biology.