How to spice up a good marriage to avoid affairs
"Lust has an expiration date,” shouts an Insta-quote that pops up as I log on. I slam my iPad shut. How does it know? Who’s spying on me? My heart is pounding so fast I swear I can see it. I’m gasping for air as my whole married life flashes by.
Panic.
I hear the infectious laughter of the love of my life — my daughter, not my husband (and therein lies the crux) and the laugh becomes fainter and fainter as they pry her away from me because of my wicked ways. They’re all laughing and dancing, while I... I snap out of my unnecessarily dramatic afternoon reverie. Unnecessary, because nothing has happened nor is about to. No affair. No man to even lust after.
But am I fantasising about it? Hell, yeah. Okay, now either you are judging me from your well used connubial bed or you are nodding your mushy, messed up head that’s all too full of lusty, meaningless musings of your own. Or you are part of that less rare breed of women who don’t fantasise — they just do it.
So, when my Japanese friend with the angel face says, “I need to have an affair. I need it.” I nod. I understand the necessity of this imagined adventure; it is meant to play the saviour to her sexless but solid marriage. Japan is notorious for sexless marriages, with husbands and wives moving into twin beds after they are done with the big family bed they sleep on along with their kids.
Most non-Japanese and non-unhappily married couples are not exactly moving into twin beds, but ask them — when was the last time they had sex (and we are not even talking about mindboggling, can’t-get-enough kind of sex that we all had just, like, a day or so before marriage, we are talking about just kinda doing it)? The answer is a long pause, as they sift through months or weeks or days or whatever their idea of “it’s been way too long” is.
The monotony and friction of shared parenthood build walls of exhausted boredom around the most romantic of us. There is so much to share and discuss (read argue) — which cycle to buy, what sports to do as a family, who to invite on a beach holiday… We get so comfortable with the existence of the other person, we forget to notice they actually exist. We happily fall into a routine of not doing it. Unfortunately, the less you do it, the less you want to. Remember the time when you couldn’t get enough? It was a time when you were doing it more than enough.
Typically, it begins with “no time for foreplay”. You’re so pooped from chasing the hours in your day that by evening you want someone to wave a wand to remove your make up, brush your teeth, tuck you into bed with your book and wine, instead you’re riddled with guilt because it’s been forever. So you reach out for the equally exhausted body next to you to try and get it on as fast as you can, and hope it’s fun.
Nothing slow and steamy; and definitely no kissing on the mouth! Married couples don’t need that kind of slobbering. Everyone knows lust is not meant to last. A good marriage has so much more going for it. It is a partnership of shared history, where you can be your childish self, fight over the temperature in the room, the remote, the bathroom and still expect to be loved. After all, you are a family now. Ya, you married your lover but now you are cohabiting with your sibling. Not good. Dull, in fact.
And lust, despite or actually because of its fleeting nature, never gets boring. Thus, the ubiquitous extramarital affair. For those of us who know for sure that we are never going to break our home or family, regardless of the realisation of how defunct and plain idiotic the whole idea of marriage is, here are quick fixes to keep it all rolling and well lubricated.
Find your mojo back as a couple by making time for things outside of your house that connect you. It cannot be on the sofa at home, you have to get dressed, leave the child behind and make a date of it. Ours is movies, beaches and dancing. Flirt with cute boys, it’ll make you feel attractive and that’s half the battle. Ban talk of the baby post dinner unless it’s to discuss an impending expulsion.
Sex it up by doing the lusty things you did as young daters — negligee, candles, porn, chocolate sauce, role play, toys, public spaces… shrug off the prude you’ve turned into. Just reach over and do it, every two or three days, as a matter of course — just do it. Even if you don’t really want to, or are crying from exhaustion — just do it. If nothing else, you’ll sleep better, burn a few calories and it’ll age you in reverse.
The answer is staring you in the face, all you have to do is see it. For me, it’s snoring right in my face, hogging my goose down pillows (that he refused to buy but now insists on using). I want to shake him awake and shout, “I am not okay with lust having an expiration date.” I want to trade in my loyal companion for the lusty lover I married not too long ago. I was too naïve to get what Meg Ryan really meant in that famous scene from my all-time favourite teen movie but today it speaks to me loud and clear.
So, listen up lover — “Take me to bed or lose me forever.” And for my bolder Angel-faced friend, a corollary “Take her to bed or somebody else might.”
(Courtesy: Mail Today)