Your manliness is not about pumping iron in a gym
Is gender equality, a women-only cause or should we look at it from a fresh perspective?
Commenting on a match that had come her way through a matchmaking website, an acquaintance of mine said, "I don't think I like him, his arms look like he had them waxed, that's not manly!".
She, who was a self-proclaimed non-judgmental woman who championed equanimity, was judging a man's Y chromosome thanks to his hair-free arms. Upon hearing her comments, a guy sitting next to her, who himself had signed up on a matchmaking website, stared at his hands and confirmed in an elated tone that his hands were hairy.
Hairy hands were the ultimate definition of manhood in that room as I witnessed it with disbelief. Gender inequality is entrenched in our society, with the society's perception and treatment of its womenfolk being a hot topic for most debates today. But why is nobody asking questions like how does the society treat or label its men? Why are men, who treat women as their equal, do not make a role model?
Change has never been easy but recognising, acknowledging and questioning the ills that plague the society is a progressive start if we want to achieve change that is long-lasting.
To quote from my own experience with M, a nice chap I once dated who would pass any feminist's test for an ideal mate today, it's not a mystery that I fell deeply in love with him. Why not? He treated me well, did not come with the typical male insecurities and mistrust, knew that my career mattered a lot to me and seemed to have all the qualities any desirable man should possess, in my view.
However, like everyone else, he was a human as well and had some negative traits and weaknesses. Even Superman is weak in front of Kryptonite, you see. But M's weaknesses arose out of the society's definition of manhood, which sometimes incited ridicule from his friends and colleagues on his effeminate nature.
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| How does the society treat these men who are soft? (Photo source: Men's Health) |
He aired his insecurities to me as we grew close to each other, which I heard feeling rather appalled because to me he was perfect. You see, after my experiences with chauvinists, M brought a fresh breath of air in my life, someone who treated me better than a tissue paper.
I could speak my mind with him, without risking his loyalty, judgment or love for me and yet here was this man who was brimming with self-doubts and a low self-esteem that just wasn't fair. From his physique to his nature, M felt inadequate as a man. (M was three years older than I, looked younger to me in comparison, and had a 28-inch waist while I as his lady love comfortably carried a 32-inch waist).
M's proposal, when it was due, started something like "I have 48 thousand in my savings account and I draw a salary of 20 thousand. I know you have all those great-looking men around you like K (who was at best my close friend and nothing more), would you love me back as well?" For a minute, I was dumbfounded because I couldn't believe that M, who was so matured, calm and sapoisexual could nurse such insecurities as well.
Matchmaking trends (yeah from the aunty brigades to socialised matchmaking events) now place the IT nerds in T-shirts, who seem to be bathing in a junk-pile of ESOPS and money, and are now the gold standard of Mr Right according to the society's standards today.
Boy, do I want to know how these guys differ from the likes of M. I feel such men are targeted by the so-called "manly men" and the society which defines such parameters because, you see, they don't have the muscles, aggressiveness, and play the right roles. M, on the other hand, wept in front of me, got ragged by his colleagues and at times was intimidated by stronger men, who would tease me while we walked together holding hands, probably because they thought that M cannot defend me. I think they aren't aware of a karate chop that could disable them with one single stroke.
How does the society treat these men who are soft and do not quite possess the attributes that are the gold standard of manhood according to the society's definition? Why can't these men get a girl of their dreams? Aren't they ambitious or deserving?
After our break-up, which I do not want to delve into as it had no connection with who he was, I came to realise that M was a rare find indeed. From then on this thought lingered in my head as to why such men are not common in our country.
My guess is that most parents, when they try to find a suitor, want someone who is worth their dowry or status. If marrying for status or dowry is a sin then judging a man's genuineness or suitability by assessing his salary or physique is worse. I personally know of a friend, who was rejected by women because he wasn't attractive enough but would agree to meet him anyway because of his education and happening IT career. I can vouch that when it came to having a loyal friend or family, he was the best person around. What would you prefer? A man who stands by you or one that tramples on you?
Often times I have seen that when a man who's not like M wants to change, his ego and fear of being mocked by the society do not allow him to do so, leave aside standing up for gender equality.
Men like M do not have a voice or a place as they are targeted by the society and its conformists. M was man enough to let his lady love be his equal or better and he was labelled as "Gai, the Hindi word for cow" or "Joru Ka Ghulam"!
The issue of gender equality needs to be addressed at the mindset level and not by trying to address some incidences that happen because of an underlying cause of role play, expected behaviour, societal acceptance or conditioning.
Men like Naseeruddin Shah or Om Puri could then go ahead and play lead roles than waste their talent in playing supporting roles. If we women call ourselves feminists then let us also accept that a "hottie" does not always pump iron in a gym. The way I see it, it's a long way to establishing the concept of equality between the two genders. Men like M should be the next normal. Gender discrimination is an issue that plagues the collective society and not just women.