A poor man's cheap whisky guide to Diwali shopping
It's Diwali and Indians are drinking. The statistics speak for themselves. For example, in Tamil Nadu in 2012, Diwali liquor sales shot up by 25 per cent over the previous year. In 2013, liquor vends in TN witnessed record-breaking sales of Rs 60 crores on Diwali day. Last year, the figure exceeded Rs 300 crores.
This year, Delhi has witnessed a new trend. More women are buying alcohol. Premium liquor vends in south Delhi run by the DSIIDC say that roughly every third customer coming to their stores during the "pre-Diwali rush week" was a woman -about 40 per cent of the total customers. Women mostly buy in malls - DLF Promenade in Vasant Kunj, or DLF Saket. Unlike men, who prefer whisky (Johnny Walker Blue Label is out-of-stock in Delhi, having sold out at more than Rs 16,000 a bottle), women have been buying vodka and wine. The DSIIDC reports a 25 per cent rise over last year in pre-Diwali week sales.
As the Times of India reports, women shop in malls because of the ambience and reasons of safety. Most liquor vends are still hole-in-the-wall affairs where chances of being groped are higher than in a crowded lurching bus: "Many of the vends are in dingy surroundings and are crowded by men clamouring for bottles." But these dingy vends are where the real Diwali sales are. This is where the real middle class man goes to buy real booze ie Indian whisky. There is a reason why McDowell's No 1 and Officer's Choice (OC) are referred to as 'blockbuster' whiskies in the Indian spirits business.
These are bang-for-your-buck whiskies, guaranteed to give you get you drunk for less. Guaranteed too is the mother of all hangovers. Scotch imports and wines are taxed heavily and remain elitist and expensive. Besides, as Indian whisky champions will tell you, Indian whisky suits Indian digestion.
Purists, of course, say that Indian whisky is not whisky at all, because it is made from fermented molasses. According to the Scotch Whisky Association's annual report in 2013, "There is no compulsory definition of whisky in India, and the Indian voluntary standard does not require whisky to be distilled from cereals or to be matured. Very little Indian 'whisky' qualifies as whisky in the EU owing to the use of molasses or neutral alcohol, limited maturation (if any) and the use of flavourings. Such spirits are, of course, considerably cheaper to produce than genuine whisky."
This though hasn't stopped us from drinking it. Royal Stag clocked sales of 15mn cases last year, while Imperial Blue sold 12mn cases, with sales sky-rocketing during Diwali. The copywriting on the McDowell's No 1 bottle claims, "Somewhere in the world, it's always No 1 time." So as you sit down to a peg of McDowell's in Bhopal, someone is doing the same in Detroit and Zurich. Okay not. But the claim is not unfounded. Imperial Blue is exported to a dozen African markets. In fact, Pernod Ricard exports Royal Stag, Imperial Blue and Blenders Pride to East Asia, Middle East and Africa - so it is always No 1 time somewhere in the world.
There is an entire lost world of copywriting on these bottles, which underlines the gap between ambition and reality. Lost because the target consumer can hardly even read the fine print; most throw away the bulky packaging at the liquor vend itself. Imperial Blue's tagline shuts out women, "Men will be men". IB has spawned an entire breed of imitators in the sub-Rs 400 market: OC Blue, Dennis and my favourite White & Blue. Now W&B is not as simple as it sounds. Here's what the packaging claims: "White signifies purity and perfection. Blue symbolizes masculinity, wisdom and royalty." W&B, "a heavenly blend" , is "a fusion of both". The royal theme continues in Royal Challenge, described as "a richly rewarding symphony of subtle notes". It is another matter that the ubiquitous RC has emerged as the graft whisky of India; you give a bottle of RC as a bribe for a job quickly done on the sly. I once gave one to my property dealer for helping me find a barsati. Diwali was round the corner.
Most of these whiskies also flaunt a range of dubious awards they have won, for some reason mostly in Brussels, or something called the "World Beverage Competition, USA". The Belgians are obviously big connoisseurs of Indian whisky, the EU guidelines on whisky notwithstanding.
Often the copywriting is miles ahead of the whisky itself. McDowell's Platinum boasts this of its aroma: "Classic peat skilfully embedded on silky layers of rich malt and matured oak wood which gets well rounded with a sweet touch of vanilla, honey and complex spring flowers". Why would anyone want to drink Tullamore Dew when you have this? The distinguished kings of the IMFL market are Solan No 1, which has recently been relaunched, and Blenders Pride, which has always bothered me because I feel somewhere in its name, I don't know exactly where, there's a missing apostrophe. The master blenders in question here, the label tells us, were Messrs Patrick Joseph Loots and Abbey Stephens, who "decided to roll out one particular cask of whisky from the cool cellars of the distillery and expose it to the warmth of the setting sun at regular intervals". It's not clear where this event took place, in Scotland or in Rajasthan.
This Diwali, don't worry if you cannot get a bottle of Johnny. Like millions of fellow Indians, down some molasses with swadeshi pride and hiccup through the cracker noise in your belly. And don't forget to read the copywriting on the bottle. Remember: whisky is always in the words.