That ToI story about '10 common mistakes women make in bed'

I’ve just read a fascinating article on a website that smugly told me ten common mistakes women make in bed.

Since it’s obviously based on childish assumptions, I believe I have the right to make a few too. And here’s what I think: That the author of that patronising piece is a spotty schoolboy and one of those terribly rare human beings who inherited Neanderthal genes – there are only a handful of that sort, relatively speaking, and thank god for small mercies. I say we put him in a museum or a zoo with a shiny brass plaque stating his species, and let him watch Dominatrix porn after closing hours. Trust me, he will weep.

Spotty Schoolboy informs us at the very outset that he was inspired to write this piece because he’s terribly upset that while women point out mistakes men make in bed, it’s about time men did the same too, so there! Hmm, thin-skinned. Just what we like in condoms, but certainly not men.

His very first tip is, don’t worry too much about how you look, you’re not posing for Playboy. I really wonder what sort of women he’s known biblically. Mannequins pinched from Srimangala Leddies Garments Shoppe or real women who aren’t fond of him. Consider the body language the poor boy has been subjected to: eyes averted, lips puckered in revulsion and the cold shoulder. Tut.

If you think I’m being unfair, consider Spotty Schooboy’s second tip. He whines  that men do all the hard wooing work and it takes two to make out. Okay, I do feel terribly sorry for him, seeing that all the mannequins/women he’s been with just lie on their backs and think of England, but perhaps he should change his deodorant spray to Axe before they axe him, hmm? The last resort, and all that.

Spotty Schoolboy’s tip number 3 is, women should not talk after making out because men are exhausted. Not so perplexing when you read tip number 4 that says, don’t smash his ego by telling him what he did wrong. Oh, the poor, poor insecure lad.

He’s back to being petulant with tip number 5: If he can go down on women, they should jolly well go down on him too, he fumes. There may be a good reason why they don’t want to do that – I mean, how often does he change his underwear? Tip number 6 sort of explains what happens when Spotty Schoolboy arm-twists reluctant women to go down on him: they bite, and he states very firmly doesn’t like that one bit. Hey, who can blame them?

I agree with tip number 7, which insists on high standards of personal hygiene, and coming clean on infections, if any. I’m glad Spotty Schoolboy’s mummy and daddy gave him long lectures on this.

Tip number 8 is rather strange. Spotty Schoolboy urges women not to be melodramatic in bed and if he just wants to play with their hair, they’d better shut up and enjoy it. Who complains about a head massage – it’s probably his technique that sucks!  Did no one ever tell him that women go to salons and pay men to play with their hair? Oh, and tip them big time too, if the massage was orgasmic. Loser!

Tip number 9 brings tears to my eyes. Puhleez don’t fake it, Spotty Schoolboy begs. Hell, after all his whining one thing is vey clear: if women told him the truth, he’d probably kill himself. 

And on to his very last tip: women shouldn’t get too comfy and wear granny panties and faded bras. What, does he need a Ready-Teddy-Go signal to get turned on? And if he wants it so much, I advise him to pinch sexy underwear for his mannequins (frankly, after reading this article, mannequins are all Spotty Schoolboy will get) from Shrimangala Leddies Garments Shoppe. Loser! Loser! Loser!

Also read: Image of Kate's dress - ToI wears its sexism on its front page

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