Why Shivaji statue is the best thing to happen to Maharashtra
As the country struggles with demonetisation, something that has actually killed people, the government seems to have given up all pretence of even trying to mitigate this economic blunder, and has turned its eyes towards what all politicians in India do, appeasement of voter base.
Narendra Modi, on Saturday, laid the foundation stone for the Rs 3,600 crore-grand memorial for Shivaji Maharaj off the Mumbai city coast. The 192-metre statue of Chhatrapati Shivaji is expected to be completed by 2019.
Rs 3,600 crore is a huge amount. Not just as a standalone figure, but also in comparison to what the Maharashtra government has allocated as budget, in more essential sectors. It’s seven times the budget for building new rural roads and fixing old ones. It’s five times the budget for the state’s electricity generation projects. And it is an amount that could have easily restored 300 heritage sites all across Maharashtra.
But of course, who cares about all of that boring stuff, when you can dazzle the world with a giant statue that no one really needs. Or maybe that’s what you have been led to believe. Quite like the ingenious new Rs 2,000 note, this soon-to-be an expensive reality has a host of secret features in it, that the masses are not aware of. Let’s have a look:
1) The statue turns into Batman at night and protects the city from crime.
2) The statue is secretly full of soldiers who are ready to protect the coast of Mumbai from invaders and terrorists. This idea might seem like it’s copied from the story of Helen of Troy, but actually it was the Trojans who stole this idea from pre-Vedic texts.
3) The Shivaji statue has 7,00,000 vacuum cleaners attached to its bottom that will clean not only the filth in the sea, but also the disgusting, yet somehow popular Juhu beach.
4) Not everyone would know this, but the Shivaji statue has high-resolution satellite operated cameras attached to it, that will be able to keep an eye on Pakistan, thanks to its staggering height.
5) Every time you rub a new Rs 2,000 note on the statue, the GPS chips in both activate a code that detects black money being deposited by hawalas in Switzerland.
6) Farmer suicides will be brought down by 78.235 per cent with this Shivaji statue because it covertly purifies sea water and transfers it to drought-stricken areas.
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| Concept plan of the Shivaji Memorial. [Photo:Maharashtra government] |
7) The Shivaji statue is a hidden nuclear bunker that can and will protect all Mumbaikars in the off chance that Donald Trump accidentally nukes India by spilling coffee on the launch button.
8) The Shivaji statue will connect with a Reliance Jio SIM and program everyone’s minds to become more idealistic and lawful.
(This one isn’t even that far from the truth considering what the cabinet minister for finance, planning and a forest department in Maharashtra, Sudhir Mungantiwar, believes in. For real. In an interview with Mid-Day last year, Mungantiwar said, “The issue is not of money, but about society getting inspired by Shivaji’s ideology. When even one person implements his ideology, for me the value of that is more than Rs 1,000 crore. Today, we have to spend Rs 15,000 crore on the police department, but if everyone starts following the ideology of Shivaji Maharaj and becomes an ideal citizen, my allocation in the budget can come down by Rs 3,000 crore. Suppose some goons are following a woman and someone shouts out the slogan ‘Jai Chhatrapati’ and comes to her rescue. Isn’t he doing the work of the police? This happens. People have given up their life to do what’s right, there is a long list, and even Prime Minister Narendra Modi has done it. Even he is made of the ideology of Chhatrapati.)
9) The giant statute in the sea will help fishermen all over the coast by killing all the fish in the nearby area, making their jobs easier.
10) Despite the exorbitant Rs 3,600 crore price tag, it is said that if you pray to the statue with all your faith focussed in on it, you will receive the statue’s price one rupee a day, making you insanely rich in just 3,600 crore days. Hashtag Achhe Din.