Five reasons why Modi is having a party in China

As I type this, our Dear Leader is meeting China's Dear Leader and they're probably having jolly good back-slapping chats about how democracy stinks, activists and NGOs suck, and free press is for the birds. As for me, I toyed with the idea of giving the papers and news channels a miss out of fear. I cannot forget how peculiar our Dear Leader was when the US President Barack Obama came visiting during the Republic Day celebrations. That was a truly frightening time for Indian citizens, a time when we looked at Modi with as much horror as Little Red Riding Hood did when she saw a hairy old wolf dressed in her grandma's flimsy nightie. Oh that suit, that dreadful monogrammed suit - it will go down in history as the Grandpa-what-a-big-ego-you-have moment!

Oh well. While Modi was pompous, show-offy and comically ridiculous when Obama was here, he's looking relaxed, happy and comically ridiculous in China. Astonishingly relaxed and happy despite all that hoo-ha about the Chinese doing devious things to the map of India (hello, as if you would worry about petty little issues like maps and incursions and things if you went on a holiday too with a brand new wardrobe and snazzy, touristy dark glasses, all paid for by Indian citizens including you, Dear Reader). Here are a few other reasons why Modi seems to be having a party in China:

1. He can deliver on "Make in China" easier than he can deliver on "Make in India" (just like he delivered on "Make in France", remember?). Many agreements have allegedly been signed and while cynics may scoff that most won't materialise, I'm dead certain that at least one will take off: the establishment of an India-Chinese stapler factory in Arunachal Pradesh.

2. Don't you dare giggle or snigger at all the funny faces he made during his visit to the Terracotta Warriors Museum in Xi'an! The poor chap was just valiantly trying to hold back his tears because the statues reminded him of the time when he was a little boy and all the fun he had making little tea cups, saucers and cow-is-my-mother figurines with play dough at school. After he killed big fat alligators or crocodiles, of course.

3. He's eating well. While I hope he hasn't embarrassed us yet again (he always does when he goes abroad, sigh) by earnestly telling Chinese students that his favourite sweet dish is Gobi Desert, it's clear that his waist size now is bigger than his chest size. And here I take a deep breath to announce yet another amazing first for Modi (Rah! Rah! Rah!): He is the very first horizontally challenged BJP member who has not had bariatric surgery. That's truly fantastic!

4. Unlike mean mummies and daddies of school children in India, mummies and daddies in China did not protest madly and write outraged letters to editors when he addressed their children at schools - perhaps because he didn't force their children to write essays on how marvellous he is and what good governance is all about on a precious national holiday? He's so thrilled at this warm reception that's he's giving the Chinese commoners a right royal treat - an imitation of the stiff hand wave favoured by British Royals. Don't be surprised if you read a post on Weibo that the Queen of England was there!

5. For a dedicated "I, me and myself" person, selfie time is happiness time! And it's much safer for Modi to take selfies in China because there's no danger of Rahul Gandhi jumping into the frame with a placard and screaming, "Kisan Virodhi, Narendra Modi".