Our Women in Cannes

Make way, make way all you dark-skinned Bafta-eyeing fatties. The annual resurrection of Sonam Kapoor as a phantasmagorical figurehead of value to the Indian subcontinent's unique brand of fairness-cream sponsored cinema for only ugly directors who can make watchable films begins. While nothing can quite trump RiRi's omelette (channa bhatura?) dress at the Met Gala, we can bet your top rupee, Indian fashionistas are going to try. Vidya Balan doesn't have a film this year, so we can put grandmother fashions aside this year, thankfully.

Hell, even Sabya has moved on to women who look like they want to live (they just don't look like they want to eat, apparently, which is perfectly fine with everyone). Aishwarya Rai can finally stop telling people she's just had a baby, so clearly pressure there. The Jasba-laden yummy mummy is probably graduating to the family tradition of abu-san....zzzzzzzzzzzzz... Oh, sorry where were we? Oh yes, the red carpet which rotted in boredom and turned from red to pale sun-baked pink. Perfect contrast for those over-embroidered whites. Last time Sonam rocked it in an Anamika Khanna spun candy-floss sheathe and we fully expect her to totally go for the barely theres. I mean, make that your theme song already. Cinematically and otherwise. Rogue is expected to put out a video on how the diminishing cleavage is an expression of androgyny and thus deters sexual harassment. Women with breasts are the cause of everything, really. JUST SHUT THEM DOWN. Katrina Kaif is the one to watch though this year as she makes her Cannes debut. Nobody has quite figured out for what? For being drugged and abducted in Bang Bang? For moving in with Ranbir Kapoor? We do have the scoop on what she will be wearing though. Given her endorsement obsessions. You heard it here first folks, the only way she knows how: It's a mango.