How to survive a nuclear attack

All of yesterday and today, most Indians are waiting with bated breath for a proper war to begin with our gadfly of a neighbour – Pakistan.

Notwithstanding the fact that about half of the folks are unable to breathe freely due to Chikungunya, there is still a sizeable number who will breathe easy only if the war broke out, and breathe even more freely if it were a nuclear war. The national mood is to convert an unclear war into a nuclear war.

When confronted with the possibility that even some Indians may also die as a consequence, despite the famed Indian Survival Instinct (ISI), according to which it’s only your neighbour to whom bad things should happen, both liberals and patriots, including gau rakshaks, are worried about their respective lives.

Posturing on Twitter, Facebook and WhatsApp is one thing, having to die is quite another. And, here I am, despite being a liberal, suggesting both the liberals and bhakts, including gau rakshaks, how to survive a nuclear attack.

Being a liberal on the Indian social network scene does teach you a thing or two about surviving a holocaust. My expert credentials are therefore in order.

Most likely, you are going to be informed via a WhatsApp forward with a multimedia attachment that a NUCLEAR WAR has indeed started. My first advice, therefore, is to become a member of as many WhatsApp groups as possible. Every millisecond counts.

Stock up on your favourite booze and drink up. The idea is to be so inebriated that the only impact the killer shockwave is going to have on you is to make you lift that bottle of vodka, raise your brows and say "aaj kya khaas baat hai yaar?"

Apply pure coconut oil all over your body. According to Patanjali, pure coconut oil creates an invisible nuclear instashield around your body. The radiation will simply slither away.

Do not pray. This is a killing game. Keep the instinct pure. Ask your housing society to put up video screens to project the number of dead on both sides. Every time the score goes up on the enemy, shout "Jai Hind!", and in case the enemy takes some of us down, shout even louder "Bharat Mata ki jai!".

This is also just the right time to send those "Just wanna talk to you babe…" status updates on your ex’s Facebook timeline whom you have been abusing and threatening for neglecting you. She is quite likely to succumb to a smaller catastrophe in the shadow of a bigger one.

On Twitter, unmute everyone whom you hate but couldn’t unfollow due to your lower follower count. They must have become better human beings, at least in the face of threat to life. 

Citizens, who are living in sub-human conditions in JJ clusters, concrete pipes and chawls, do not have much to worry. Mosquito-borne diseases have killed more people than nuclear bombs. You are already way up on the survival chain. Take a minute to thank your government.

And, finally, the central and state governments should do nothing as usual and issue "Please don’t panic. Everything is under control" updates every few minutes from inside radiation shelters. Once the nuclear radiation has wiped off mosquitoes, come out and claim that you have finally tamed Chikungunya.

Jai Hind!