How to survive social media
Social networks are omnipresent, omniscient and addictive. They are all around us like the Beijing smog, suffocating us, penetrating our lives through the cracks in our minds.
The whole world is simultaneously trying to get away from it all and wanting it all. Everyone has suddenly discovered good manners (WhatsApp messages wishing you a floral good morning!); sense of humour (fast-forwarded jokes); patriotism (overlaying the tricolour on Facebook display pictures); compassion (adopt a puppy and donate B-negative blood tweets); gender equality (men masquerading as women), and a scientific temperament (types of conic sections on Kim Kardashian's body tweets), et cetera.
Unfortunately, the social networks, with their global reach and speed, have also significantly increased the blast radius of mishaps. A slight carelessness in posting vacation or party photos can lead to unexpected comments like: "Wow bhabhi, good news hai kya?"
A college teen's blood pressure and willingness to live is directly proportional to the number of "hottttiiieee..." comments received in response to her party photo in becharilycra.
Perfectly good friends turn sworn enemies in their bid to settle the superiority of the "chaiwala" over the "mufflerman", overlooking the possibility of the chaiwala in Delhi winter wearing a muffler.
Even the IIT-IIM types don't hesitate in issuing rape and/or murder threats just because you miscalculated the IQ of their beloved Supreme Leader.
Social networks are a battlefield with mines strewn all over. One wrong post and you will be blown to bits. However, where there is great risk, lies great fortune. You can make a fortune for yourself by selling mines or becoming a keyboard warrior or even a successful TV show host.
Here are a dozen rules on how to survive social networks.
Rule #1: If you are faint-hearted, stay away from Twitter and restrict yourself to playing Manoj "Bharat" Kumar on Facebook. Just keep updating your profile picture.
Rule #2: People are suckers for 'likes' and RTs, especially those close to you. However much you may detest their posts, keep calm and go "Wow!" and "Superlyk!"
Rule #3: Use your kids to fuel your own Facebook glory, especially if you yourself were good for nothing as a kid and continue to be so. After all, what are families for?
Rule #4: Women, for better Facebook response, please do not post more than one vacation photo in the same dress. If possible, buy “for vacation only” dresses just before you leave for vacation.
Rule #5: Your school/college alumni or Kitty Party Whatsapp group is like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Should you leave the group in defence of your sanity, keep the “Oh! I had to factory reset my phone, yaar!” excuse ready.
 |
| If you are faint-hearted, stay away from Twitter. (Photo credit: India Today) |
Rule #6: Office bosses and wives are basically mean. They can seldom stand your Facebook or Twitter glory. Therefore, if you want to "be your true self", become someone else.
Rule #7: Avoid posting too many selfies, unless you are running confirmatory tests on your ugliness. One selfie a month is fine; two is bearable; three is "forever alone"; and, any more is "#AskingForAFriendPlease DM if you know a good psychiatrist in Gurgaon!"
Rule #8: Avoid DMs. Under the Gender Equality BadhaoYojana, that "Sultry Siren" making you breathless late nights could actually be "Sunset Sharma". Whenever you consider a DM, think "Disaster Management", because that's what you'll be most likely doing at the end of the unfortunate dalliance.
Rule #9: People in real life are far less funny and good-looking than their social network avatars. Tweetups are therefore best handled via the "I'm here for the food" strategy.
Rule #10: If you are so vela as to have a political opinion, the best strategy is to be the "marosaaleko" type. Sit on the sidelines and discuss Bollywood and cricket, until trolls from one side have felled a celebrity on the other side and then join the mayhem. If you are lucky, the celebrity may block you and you can proudly go around flaunting the trophy.
Rule #11: This one is a corollary of the "marosaaleko" strategy and yields great monetary benefits. Your tweets and Facebook posts must "go with the flow" so that your follower count keeps on increasing. A decent follower count can help you get invited to the Jaipur Lit Fest, make you a small time brand ambassador and the "Social Media Cell" of a rich political party may syndicate your services for nation-building. You can go on to start a website and Twitter feed with like-minded friends with a patriotic-cum-intellectual sounding name and ultimately sell it to a bigger troll outfit or even a media house.
Finally, Rule #12: Always remember Rule #2. Will you?