Donald Trump is the obnoxious Punjabi
With his brash manner and boastful nature, the vulgar flaunting of his success while gloating at the limp failure of his opponents, Donald Trump is an obvious cliché.
Whenever I watch him, taking on the establishment from the outside, skewering his enemies with salty insults and terrifying them with his outrageous proposals for solving his country's problems, I realise that Trump embodies every stereoptypical character trait of the most rebellious, nakedly ambitious and self-regarding people this planet has ever produced.
Yes, Donald Trump is a Punjabi - in spirit, if not by birth. And when I say Punjabi, I mean, of course, those east of Wagah. Pakistanis have nothing like the elephantine balls he has shamelessly taken out and laid on the table for the entire world to gawp at.
With his sneering chauvinism and straining libido, and that blatantly dyed hair, he is a man who would instantly be at home among the henna-tinted truck-stop barons outside Ludhiana and Jullundur. I imagine he would be far more at ease sat on a jute-cot outside a Ferozepur haulage yard, cat-calling the local woman and raising a glassy of liquor as he flashes them a gold-toothed smile, than he ever will be in the White House.
After he's done with politics, maybe he'll swap his bespoke suits for the string-vest-and-pajama combination of his ilk, and spend his days rowing loudly with his wife and bemoaning his feckless sons, belching with boozy relish after every mouthful of the chicken curry that he forever carries in a steel thali with him. A great man deserves nothing less in his dotage.
But is America ready for such a patently desi president? If the campaign so far is anything to go by, they are taking this most masala of western politicians to their hearts with gusto. And it is, of course, that signature sense of humour and grandeur of the Punjabi people that Trump is somehow channelling - from a past-life maybe? - that is winning the US public over to him.
Not only does he really not care what anyone thinks of him, like a true Punjabi he takes visceral delight in being despised by those he dislikes. He knows, just as any self-made Delhi taxi-rank owner will tell you, that "it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." Who would disagree with that? No man north of Vasant Vihar, that's for sure. Of his great liberal nemesis, Arianna Huffington, Trump observed, "I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man. He made a good decision." Wah-wah!
Trump is obnoxious and irresistible in massive and equal quantities - just like a Punjabi. He is a force of nature who knows that gratuitously exposing the ugliness in his soul will only enhance the appreciation of his better qualities - such as his comic timing.
During a Republican candidates' debate, Jeb Bush, having been goaded on Twitter about how much he "needed his mommy", proudly declared,"My mom is the strongest woman I know."
"She should be running," retorted Trump instantly. It was a moment of raw desi comedy worthy of Mehar Mittal.
The man is pure swagger. He personifies the no-holds-barred attitude that drives Punjabis around the world, be they cab-drivers in Chicago, bankers in Hong Kong or London real-estate dealers: a man of insatiable appetite, who knows the greatest joy to be found in glory is in shining it painfully into the eyes of one's foe. Trump understands that it is not enough to win: the competition must be annihilated and humiliated in the process.
And in true desi fashion he has bitten off what most thought was far too much to chew - ie the entire American political establishment - and proceeded to grind it between his molars into a pulp that is going down easier than a tumbler of Old Monk.
His obvious contempt for his opponents has been the most enjoyable aspect of this election. During every debate, one can see it shading his face and glazing his eyes whenever he's confronted by the mediocrity of those he's up against. Whenever he shakes his head while listening to their platitudes, one can almost hear the word being disgustedly sighed in Trump's mind: "bh*nchod..."
He has personalised every battle in this contest, going for the jugular of each rival and dealing mortal blows. Be it his dismissal of the Bush scion as being "low energy", calling Ted Cruz "a pussy", or denouncing Hillary Clinton as bully who silenced the alleged victims of her husband's assaults, Trump has punched everyone - male and female - below the belt, and then stood back to watch them groan and writhe in agony.
His proposed solutions for America's difficulties, such as building a wall on the border with Mexico or banning all Muslims from the US, are macho, simplistic, near-mad and unrealistic - just as Punjabis like them. Trump knows that he doesn't have to turn such ideas into action, he only has to state them and make himself known as the man who had the balls to say the unsayable to win the affection of great swathes of the electorate. Like all desis, he knows that a big personality will win more friends than a smart intellect ever will - and that it will make enemies too. And like a Punjabi, he knows that a man is best judged by his enemies, so one should make lots of them - the more powerful the better.
It's no surprise that Trump is an Indophile who's enthused a great deal about the energy and ambition he's seen in India. And he's been able to establish a foreign brand in India more successfully than any other western businessman. The Trump Towers in Pune and Mumbai are testament that he is man who can make his mark anywhere, even in the most difficult and alien of environments, and leave a legacy that people will remember for ages. Nothing is beyond him.
And when he finally takes his seat in the Oval Office, I for one will be crying, "Balleh! Balleh!".