Why dog day afternoons are better than 9pm news debates

It's lunch time and I am watching Hindi news. Yes, I must have nothing else to do, it's true. I love it and I don't care what you think. This is the ultimate afternoon entertainment.

My little dog Haiku is all ears. So am I. In bulletins cluttered with netas and Abhineta promos across channels, we are watching Don.

The only thing that overshadows the headline-grabbing Golden Labrador is the ubiquitous Baba Ramdev. He is everywhere.

I like Lalu on air and stuff, but even he wasn't that good today. Too boring shot through a car window, joke-free and goody goody. Bore!

So the channel showing "Don" grabs my eyeballs. Between reports of Somnath Bharti's "aasoo" and his sister's pointless little interview, we have blue-tinted news readers and a green tinted Azam Khan. Apart from losing the "dimaag ki batti", they seem to have also lost the studio ki batti. Golden rule of shooting on video: white balance the colour. This means white should look so white that all other colours look like they are supposed to. A white shirt should not look like it is dripping with pista ice cream or dipped in Robin Blue without a rinse.

Anyway, Haiku perks up her ears. This Don is a star. And she has a crush on him. Apparently, we are told by a shrill newsreader in full frame that if his bite matches the marks on Lipika Bharti, he will become a "gavah" in the case. Oh dear.

Dekhtey dekhtey I am now startled by a pair of large grey eyes on a large grey set. They belong to the newsreader of the next bulletin on air, with a mouth so wide, she looks like she's smiling even while telling us about the tragedy in Bisada village, not too far from their news studio. They should do "coming up next, watch me pukka" promos so we can make an informed decision of whether to stay or surf. I feel ambushed. An innocent man called Iqlakh has been allegedly murdered senselessly by a hateful mob in Dadri district of UP, and the woman sounds like she is giving you gossip about Hrithik Roshan in "Its Controversial" on E24.

Even Haiku lowers her ears. This is sad.

Oh good. We are now in the headlines, sponsored by Baba Ramdev, of course. All other brands pale in comparison. The music is straight out of an Air India flight. You know what the service is going to be like. I surf.

The next big channel has so much text on air, I am wondering whether I have landed on a newspaper. Before I can read the words, they are gone. They are punishing me for being an English speaking person, you see.

It's now 1.30pm, and I am watching Nawaz Sharif on air and I gather the channel doesn't like him. Just when I am losing interest, I see Modi, Nitish and Lalu on the left of the screen, so I stay. Everything on this channel happens in two's and three's. It's that "I want more windows on my show" syndrome I have told you about earlier. It's a good thing I have a colour TV. It's the only way of knowing who is speaking. They bring back the colour on the face with a voice. At least on this channel, black and white looks black and white.

Egads! It's the newsreader now. Thank God she is sitting and not standing, digitally stretched, wall to wall, against an ugly virtual set. She has a hornet's nest on her head. Oh it's her hair. Haiku barks. She has good taste.

I switch my television off.