How to spread Hindutva through Coldplay
The iconic British music band Coldplay is coming to play in town and news reports suggest that not only has the PM facilitated this visit, he is also rumoured to be attending the concert in Mumbai, in November this year.
Now, Coldplay is as far away from Hindutva - the philosophy the current Right-leaning government subscribes to - as Yogi Adityanath is from secularism. Its lead singer Chris Martin is a divorced man whose ex-wife coined the famous term "conscious uncoupling", or breaking up amicably, an idea that would be anathema to the government's parent organisation RSS, the bachelor set-up that nevertheless promotes family values among the rest of the Indians and opposes both conscious coupling and uncoupling, which go against the ideal Hindu family (only arranged and lifelong coupling is preferred, no public display of affection, and the woman's duty is to bear many children to take forward the Hindu lineage).
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| Chris Martin and Coldplay are actually fellow saffron-ites though they may not know it. |
The alternative rock band also makes videos of the likes of Fashion TV that the current minister of external affairs, Sushma Swaraj, once led a movement to ban, because women walking up and down in designer clothes was, well, against Indian culture.
The British group also supports Amnesty International, whose India wing has been recently deemed "anti-national" by members of the nationalist BJP government. Martin once declared his religious views to be "all theist" or believing in "everything", which might be a problem for Hindutva members of the government who believe only in, well, Hindutva.
But, music is music. Now that Narendra Modi is gung-ho about the band playing here and, in fact, might even be in the front row, it's a good time for the PM (it is reported that there is no information on whether he has actually listened to a Coldplay song) and BJP members to get a crash course on Coldplay, just so there are no surprises.
Nitin Gadkari - who, of late, has shifted the coinage "achche din" onto Congress saying Manmohan Singh invented it, after too many people began asking "Where is achche din?" in tune with BJP's election slogan - can take inspiration from the song "Lost":
- "Every river that you tried to cross
- Every gun you ever held went off
- Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the firing starts
- Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
- Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
- Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off
- Oh, and I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off."
- (Achche Din
- Achche Din
- Achche Din)
(Last to be added to chorus and recited in silence by Gadkari.)
Mahesh Sharma, minister of state (independent charge) of culture and tourism, might have some problems with some songs such as "Hymn for the Weekend" (as the guardian of "Indian culture", where he has in the past said the Quran and the Bible are not central to India and asked foreigners not to wear skirts keeping Indian culture in mind, he may prefer "Bhajan for the Weekend").
Similarly, he will have problems with "Paradise", a word of Christian origin, and might want to have a word with Coldplay to seek a change, preferably to "Mukti", the Indian post-death concept, when the band plays here. However, he might be more enthusiastic about "Magic" because that means "Jadoo" and that is very much Indian culture (they can have a healthy debate on the sidelines if the concept first originated in India or the West, and of course the end of the debate is pre-determined, because as per Hindutva adherents and nationalists, anything which doesn't put India first is anti-national).
The song:
- "And if you were to ask me
- After all that we've been through
- Still believe in magic
- Oh yes I do
- Oh yes I do
- Yes I do
- Oh yes I do
- Of course I do"
Home minister Rajnath Singh, who in the past has said the neighbourhood pundit can make astronomical predictions and one need not depend on US observatories, might voice issues over titles such as "The Scientist" upon going though the Coldplay playlist, and pitch for a change to "The Vedic Scientist" instead. He may, however, be open to being convinced that "A Sky Full of Stars" is, in fact, a veiled reference to the great ancient India science of astrology and precise predictions.
- "I don't care, go on and tear me apart
- I don't care if you do, ooh
- 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
- I think I saw you"
BJP president, the once invincible all-powerful Amit Shah may find the Coldplay visit timely, following the rebellion by Pathidar Patels back home in Hindutva laboratory Gujarat, as well as the party's humiliating defeats in Assembly elections in Bihar and Delhi, where campaigns were led by Shah himself. He may take heart in the Coldplay hit Viva La Vida:
- "I used to roll the dice
- Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
- Listened as the crowd would sing,
- "Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"
- One minute I held the key
- Next the walls were closed on me
- And I discovered that my castles stand
- Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand"
The irrepressible, uncontrollable Subramanian Swamy famous for being indiscriminate in showing public disdain for everyone - including finance minister Arun Jaitley, who, according to Swamy, looked like a waiter on a foreign visit because he wore a suit, and India's former central bank chief Raghuram Rajan, who he virtually drove out with his embarrassing vitriolic attacks - is nevertheless humoured and tolerated by PM Modi, who recently elevated the "chief wrecker" of the Vajpayee government to Upper House of Parliament after the years of political wilderness. For him, "Violet Hill" is apt:
- "When the future's architectured
- By a carnival of idiots on show
- You'd better lie low
- If you love me, won't you let me know"
Smriti Irani, former Bahu of small screen who landed the plum portfolio of HRD minister only to keep wading into controversy by picking up random Twitter fights with journalists and creating situations like giving Bharat mata speeches when JNU students were being rounded up and arrested for on-campus events, gave the Opposition a stick to beat the BJP with, and subsequently found herself moved to the less controversial ministry of textiles, which many see as a demotion, can use the Coldplay concert to communicate to the PM how she has been targeted, especially by "mainstream media" and "sickulars", both of whom are detested by her large band of Hindu nationalist online supporters, with the song "Trouble":
- "Oh, no, I see
- A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
- And I lost my head,
- The thought of all the stupid things I'd said,
- I never meant to cause you trouble,
- And I never meant to do you wrong,
- And I, well, if I ever caused you trouble,
- Oh, no, I never meant to do you harm.
- They spun a web for me,
- They spun a web for me,
- They spun a web for me."
As for PM Narendra Modi - who sees himself as a victim of the elite Lutyens' crowd and used a recent TV interview to air his grievances at the swish set of Dilliwallahs, who, he said, have a problem with grassroots politicians, a narrative only helped by the infamous remark before elections by Congress' Doon school educated Mani Shankar Aiyer who mocked Modi as a "chaiwala" with PM aspirations - can use the recent Coldplay song "Up & Up" to further elaborate his theme of victimhood:
- "Lying in the gutter, aiming for the moon
- trying to empty out the ocean with a spoon
- up and up, up and up"
The BJP may want to agree that since "Yellow", the single released in 2000 and first brought Coldplay international fame, is a colour from the same family as saffron, associated with the Sangh Parivar. Chris Martin and Coldplay are actually fellow saffron-ites though they may not know it, much like all Indians are Hindu whether they acknowledge it or not, as per RSS ideology. Subsequently, they can hum along to "Yellow" waving BJP flags:
"They were all yellow"
Finally, what about Congress VP, Rahul Gandhi, who is permanently in line for elevation to the post of Congress president, you say? Well, he'll be looking on as Coldplay performs, perhaps a little envious that he didn't use this trick to reach out to the trendy vote back as well, apart from his usual programme of underprivileged outreach of eating meals and spending nights in homes of poor. He can place a direct call to Coldplay's Chris with the song "Talk":
- "Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
- I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
- Oh brother I can't believe it's true
- I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
- Oh I wanna talk to you"