The Clean Chits of the Year 2014

Though we began this column only in the last quarter, yet the year 2014 was replete with ideas, events, movements, people worthy of being dished out a clean chit. This is not a comprehensive list but the events/moments listed brought out to the fore those subtleties, shades of we the people that we'd rather keep hidden, sub-textual, sotto voce in our conversations.

The Return of Khobragade

January, we saw the return of the Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade whose arrest caused a diplomatic row between the two largest democracies, India and the US. Both countries were trading charges at each other, were questioning each others' work ethics, but in the process, Khobragade and her father Uttam Khobragade gave the template to every aspiring bureaucrat-diplomat wishing to turn into a politician. Get plum postings, bend rules to your benefit, flaunt your privileges, acquire unscrupulous wealth/property, align with an ideology so that you have a political master post retirement.

CM on Dharna

If you have bitten more than you can chew then don't ever spit it out in public, that too in a protest. Stick to the age old wisdom of spitting in private and pretending you've swallowed everything... Kejriwal is learning it the hard way. I say Clean Chit for the dharna.

The 56-inch Chest Myth

Perception is everything. It is not important if the chest actually measures 56 inches or not, it is important that you bought the myth and believed in it. People forgot the movie Ab Tak Chappan and voted into power "Ab Ke Chappan!" That's the power of myth-making. Clean Chit.

The Sari-Shawl Diplomacy

It just take a few saris to earn diplomatic goodwill. Think now of your frenemies you are compelled to coexist with, dig in for unwanted clothes in your closet, and you may have a deal cruncher for 2015. You may even get few expensive shawls in the bargain.

Margdarshak Mandal

If you find the old guard blocking your route to the top, you know now what to do. We have a template. Praise them profusely, felicitate them, give them grand sounding titles, sinecures, venerate them, and then quietly sideline them as you take centre-stage.

Mann Ki Baat

I dread thinking now what would have happened if Manmohan Singh were sharing his Mann Ki Baat with us. We would have had an hour long of radio static with an announcer at the end, "Abhi aap Pradhan Mantri se un ki mann ki baat sunn rahe the…" But our new PM took it to another level. He made us realise what Hindi cinema has been telling us for a century now. We're an emotional nation, we do not care for facts or research. Say what's in your heart and free yourself.

Swachh Bharat

Umpteen photo-ops have come in newspapers, magazines of celebrities cleaning the roads of our cities post the campaign launch. We have found a novel way of telling the electorate that our cities are clean. Just have loads of such photo-ops before any election and the point will be driven home.

Muslims Created Dalits

Of course. We all were living as one happy Vedic Hindu society till the Muslims came in and made us realise they're different from us, and by poaching on our kinds made us realise there are different ones among us too. Damn the Muslims.

Love Jihad

The whole campaign has sent a strong message to all the cross-religious jihadi couples - don't trifle with love. Now each such couple would take love seriously, and would commit with more resolve. Love would again become a thing of celebration. And we may soon have our own contemporary versions of Laila-Majnu, Shirin-Farhad, and Heer-Ranjha.

Kiss of Love

If you've been edging to kiss each other and make your love public, you know what to do. We can kiss publicly now albeit it is a protest for a noble cause.

Are You Serious?

You don't question a Damaad in our country. A Damaad sits on a pedestal in our culture. Even if he is a misogynist, a wife-beater, a dowry seeking greedy bastard; we still do not question a Damaad in our society. And you dared asking a question in front of a camera, that too from "the Damaad"?

Top Grossing Bollywood Films

Affirms my faith that we enjoy senseless movies provided they have a superstar in it. We're a crap loving nation.

Ordinance on Land Acquisition Bill

The land belongs to Bharat Sarkar and Bharat Sarkar will acquire it without consent if it deems fit. Who else can claim to know "janhit" better than the "sarkar" itself?

Amit Shah's Acquittal in Sohrabuddin Case

And finally the icing on the cake is Shah's clean chit in the Sohrabuddin Sheikh case. We were doubting the age old wisdom that all criminal cases against political leaders are politically motivated. We thought some charges are true but to our relief that is not the case. And the age old wisdom prevails. Indeed, any criminal case against any person in power currently is always slapped by a predecessor purely to malign the opponent.

Happy New Year to all of you and hope we have more such insightful moments in 2015.