Cashless guide to survive Modi's note wapsi
It is said: “To forget your headache, wear a shoe that bites”. Presently, large swathes of headache-free Indians are making new friends in queues outside banks and ATMs. Young ones are even falling in love while hopping from one queue to another. It’s not too long before Aamir Khan announces his next film “QSQT – Queue se Queue Tak” based on the life of cute, innocent lovebirds dancing around banks and ATMs singing “Axis se gayee Canara, Canara se gayee Stancha, Stancha se gayee Dena…phir bhi na mila sajna”.
Thanks to the legendary laziness of us Indians, even when the leading media publications were telling us in October about the impending demonetisation, we never looked up from our cellphones and rushed to buy gold, dollars or property because we love the “surprise element” and prefer to be collective victims of carpet bombing rather than see black money hoarders suffer as a result of a “surgical strike”.
The serpentine queues are proving to be the breeding grounds of a new social revolution of sorts. The economic (aka “aukaat”) pyramid has been flattened and even inverted. Property dealer is queuing up with his help Chhotu, jeweller with his runners, yuppie with his driver, housewife with her maid, trader with his loaders, et al. The underdog is secretly enjoying his newfound relevance in bigger scheme of things, while the Big Dogg is simmering inside. Everyone is cashless and clueless. Here’s some advice on how the Big Dogg, the Underdog and everyone in between can survive Note Wapsi.
First and foremost, dear Big Dogg, drop that bank pay-in slip, sit back and look back at the history of modern India. Both the serial (on TV) and parallel economies have shown a steadily rising trend. Give or take minor speedbumps, the monster is getting bigger and uglier. While the likes of Kekta Kapoor have engendered gaudy, senseless, repeat-that-gesture-thrice and never-ending serials; our politicians’ insatiable greed, mind-numbing insensitivity, must-win-that-election-again and you-can-fool-all-the-people-all-the-time credo havenurtured the monster of black money to its present gargantuan size. And guess what, the people in charge of killing the monster are also its keepers and beneficiaries.
Second, the Underdog must remember that, as in Bollywood films, your lasting place in the social hierarchy is safe. You must field at slips while that the cute white Pomeranian bats and cry when either your maalik or maalkin is dying.
Third, the in-betweens – college students, Airtel/Vodafone/Eureka Forbes sales persons and everyone with a soiled black backpack – should keep away from taking the QSQT romantic angle too seriously. Remember, every smooth talking or extra-innocent young woman next to you in the queue is not as stupid as Juhi Chawla. Chances are that she has already auditioned other Aamir Khan’s in queues outside other banks. Do not overdo chivalry and promise to exchange her old currency with new tomorrow morning outside the neighbourhood Arya Samaj Mandir.
Next, however begrudgingly, kitty party aunties will need to raise their level of forbearance. Mrs Singh, please hold back your strong desire to commiserate with diamond-ring-in-each-finger Mrs Gupta, whose property dealer husband is in trouble.
Finally, Mr Big Dogg, should you decide to jettison your cash-trash, please spare our drains. The municipal corporation has worked tirelessly over the years to create a cozy lounge for our pigs. Let sleeping pigs lie!
Jai Hind!