An open letter to Aunty Pakistan from Aunty India

Dear Aunty Pakistan, 

Kaisi hain aap? Your Twitter handle has created quite a storm here.   

As you know aunties are very much in fashion in India at the moment. One particularly ''allegedly"' murderous one has been stuck in Khar Police Station with some police officers answering all sorts of questions about her love life, her bank accounts and her children (quantity, quality, living, dead). 

They've been ferrying her back and forth to the police station wearing a black Ku Klux Klan cover on her head. You can sympathise with that, I think - as you tweeted so tellingly the other day: Burkha pehnon to Karachi ki dhoop main jaloon. Burkha nahin pehno to jahannum ki aag main jaloon. Indeed. To burkha or not to burkha. That is the question to answer. 

There are other questions that come to mind. Such as who are you, delightful creature, who tweets such sense, and when can we meet for chai/shai? High society types are not in fashion right now with the collective conscience keepers of our country, but since when have we cared about that, na? 

Dilli still has some charming places to go to, provided you get your visa/shiza. Suna hai, there are lots of problems with that again. Uff, yeh Ufa, what an aafat. The aunties in India are very upset - their supply of lawn (the fabric, silly) and Fawad Khan may well be hit soon - Fawad se yaad aya, did @ImranKhanPTI really propose to you? We still like him but thoda boodha hain na? Indian aunties like younger men. But really if our imports are hot, what then will we do? How many of your serials can we watch and sigh through - happy to know that you think they are misogynistic. We do too - but try our movies. They're no better. Imagine, our biggest blockbuster is called Bajrangi Bhaijaan and our biggest male star wants us to believe he is a virgin. What's an aunty to do for entertainment?  

Yaad aya, aapke yahaan censorship nahin hai kya? Kaafi bold and beautiful hain aap in your tweets. Dil ki baat kijiye, di*k ki nahin. Charming way to handle trolls. Please pass on a few tips to the auntyhood here. But seriously, can they elect you prime minister of Pakistan please? You certainly have more hair than Nawaz Sharif (even after his hair weaving) and definitely more charm. You and Modiji will make such a charming jodi - Aunty Pakistan and Uncle Bharat. He of the 56 inch chhaati and you... sorry, that was rude.  

But the point being that only women can save the world. As you tweeted,

Main khabie mulk chalati hon, khabie ghar. Main khabie school main perhati hon khabie stage pay naachti hon. Main Aurat hon. Jo Marzi karon

— Aunty Pakistan (@AuntyPakistan) September 1, 2015

Ab what to do, men get misled by the pink nail polish and the dupatta and the jewellery (as you said, "Main Aurat hoon, ornament nahi - kya baat hai"). They don't know that we are the future. Not just because we have PMS because we can produce babies, but because we have the ovaries to fight sexism, racism, pessimism, ignorism (wait, that's not a word is it?)

Now my TV is calling. Nahin, not your wonderful soaps, but our very own Indranisaga, our very own mother/slut. With the fervent dua that we will see you soon,

Yours,

Aunty India (with the India flag tattooed on the wrist)