An idiot's handbook to survive the wedding season
A recent study revealed that more and more millennials are steering away from marriage and embracing their singlehood. The ‘freedom’ and ‘commitment-phobia’ aside, we truly believe the overdose of all things shaadi-style is the real culprit behind this lifestyle change.
Exactly why distant relatives are particularly interested to know when you’re getting married is a theory even Albert Einstein wasn’t able to prove. That is why he stuck to the other theory of relativity.
But then, like escaping nosy aunties herding around you at your cousin’s wedding wasn’t enough, one has to now battle Thanos-like social media. The more you refresh your newsfeed, the more you’re bombarded with ‘got hitched’ posts!
And not just by your friends. Even celebrities are conspiring to force-feed you with wedding-y tamasha. One Deepika Padukone-Ranveer Singh wedding down, one more Priyanka Chopra-Nick Jonas tamasha to go!
‘Tis the season to feel crappy, aaa aaa aaaaaaaa (Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham encore)!
Let’s just say you have somehow managed to shut yourself from that — but can you escape the begaani shaadi virus?
Picture yourself going about your life without bothering anyone. It’s Friday night and you have a date with a book, a hot cuppa and solitude. You slip into your blanket, flip to the page you were on and are just about to get transported into the book’s setting — when a firecracker goes off in the neighbourhood.
The howling of poor doggos deafened by the sound soon follows and continues for the next 15-odd minutes.
Just as that subsides, and you’re immersing yourself back into the book, off goes another.
Barking follows.
Then there’s the band-baaja-baraat with all its shenanigans — DJs blasting away reprised Bollywood shaadi numbers and an entire Sooraj Barjatya film cast dancing to ‘em.
Of course, you can’t read that book anymore. Time for illiterate you to plug in your headphones.
To be honest, escaping the wedding season is a myth. You can only ‘escape’ until you can’t anymore. Eventually, the madness will catch on. But until then, here’s a road map to help you avoid the treasure trove of the big fat Indian wedding.
- Bid social media adieu. Na rahega Facebook, na bajegi notification. This includes WhatsApp and all the family chat groups, too.
- Invest in a Netflix or Amazon Prime subscription, if you haven’t already. Television content is terrible anyway. And going out for a movie is a bad idea for chances of getting stuck behind a baraat is high. Very high.
- Invest in a pair of good earphones. Fireworks, Saat samundar paar encore, barking dogs, all blocked out by one swift motor action.
- Fake an injury if you have to, but make sure you DON’T attend that family function. Do whatever you have to — smear tomato ketchup on yourself, stick Band-Aids or wrap yourself in gauze like a Mummy, but DO NOT go gentle into the family function.
- Avoid human contact as much as possible. You never know what other humans feel about weddings. Their over-enthusiasm can cause severe allergic reactions, like a sinking feeling about where your life is headed or a scoffing cough each time someone mentions ‘shaadi,’ among others.
Statutory warning: Weddings are cyclic, psychedelic, and sometimes psychotic.
They cannot be escaped, really.