Bitter Twitter lessons for 'creepy uncle' Amitabh Bachchan
That Amitabh Bachchan’s Twitter account is a source of hilarity is a known fact. He tries so hard but doesn’t get too far. But we forget that our opinions of the man are coloured by the fact that he’s the Shahenshah of Bollywood.
In a country where Bollywood stars are gods, it’s easy to forget that maybe they’re just like those clueless and creepy uncles we all have on our family WhatsApp groups. Maybe we just need to take some time from our busy schedules and teach them how Twitter works.
Lesson 1: Text messaging is different from Twitter
@AnushkaSharma .. Anushka .. this is Amitabh Bachchan @Srbachchan .. wished you on May 1st via sms .. no response .. checked they said you changed number .. sent greetings again .. love and wishes .. you looked radiant at the IPL game last night ????????????????
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
Basics first. Your Twitter is public. Everyone can see it. Every one of your tweets shows your name, handle, and display picture. If you have a blue tick next to your name, that means Twitter has verified who you are.
You do not need to introduce yourself on Twitter. Certainly not with your name as well as your handle. That is something you do when you’re texting someone who doesn’t have your number. Text messaging is a different form of communication.
Lesson 2: Saying “yo” isn’t as cool as you think
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 4, 2018
yo ... https://t.co/9DUOKL5nWk
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
YO ... https://t.co/qV7JGVO8Ot
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
Regardless of how it may seem, Honey Singh wasn’t cool before or after he added “Yo Yo” to his name. You don’t have to say “yo” to fit in. Or to show that you like or agree with someone’s tweet. For that, we have the “retweet” button.
Lesson 3: Do not whine if you aren’t getting new followers
T 2793 - Dear Twitter Management , its quite amazing how you manage to keep numbers of followers CONSTANT, & not moving AT ALL despite maximum activity !!????????????????????.. well done !! I mean how do you keep the score board from not moving despite every ball being hit for a 6 !! pic.twitter.com/oDZU9xxYAZ
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
Your followers are made up of human beings, trolls, idiots and bots. Twitter can remove some of these bots, but they do not control who follows you. Followers are not a form of payment they give you in exchange for tweets, such as political patronage in exchange for relentless ass-kissing.
Lesson 4: Don’t mix up pictures in brand endorsement tweets
T 2793 - Jet Airways completes 25 years .. one of the first large endeavours in the sphere of private airlines in the country .. innovative guest comforts, personalised care and my personal choice of travel .. all good wishes for the next 25 .. ! pic.twitter.com/Nd3bWybf9p
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
The brands will give you all the material you need for this. Just use it. Do not use a picture that seems to say "this is how creepy I can be" or "it doesn’t take this much to make me change my political allegiance".
Lesson 5: '102 not out' is not a colour
T 2793 - Most sensitive part of the eye is the retinaThe retina is made of 9 layers with a thickness of about 0.5-0.7 mmThere are 120 million rods and 6 million cones in the eye. The human eye can see 7,000,000 colors.AND RIGHT NOW .. ALL IT CAN SEE IS '102 NOT OUT ' pic.twitter.com/xTjtG1INNo
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 3, 2018
Yes, this isn’t quite a lesson about Twitter, but it’s an important one nevertheless. A bigger lesson here is that keep your tweets as concise as possible because you don’t want to be the guy who bored people to sleep in less than 280 characters.
Lesson 6: We know what a 'triple role' means
T 2788 - 35 YEARS of my film 'Mahaan' .. a tripple role .. Father and 2 sons all looking alike .. pic.twitter.com/uUZBE7N9ZF
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) April 28, 2018
If you have to refer to one of your films as the one where you played three characters who all looked alike, its anniversaries are perhaps not worth celebrating. Also, you do not have to put “years” in caps. No one will assume that you mean 35 months.
That’s it for Twitter 101. One must give credit where it’s due: Great job on figuring out that fans of Bollywood stars live to hear about regular bodily functions of their idols.
T 2791 - You have no idea what the insides of our eyes look like .. and what their intricate construct is like .. shall elaborate tomorrow ..
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 1, 2018
T 2792 - My eyes photographed from the inside .. and the 1.7 million nerve ends that give us the sight to see this beautiful World .. 1.7 million nerve ends !! UNBELIEVABLE !! pic.twitter.com/uKIqrYgjY2
— Amitabh Bachchan (@SrBachchan) May 2, 2018
For more lessons, you should contact someone who can teach you Twitter whenever you want, is completely jobless, and owes you a lot for essentially gifting him his erstwhile career.
I believe, the perfect candidate lives under the same roof as you.