What I won't watch in 2016
1. The magnum hopeless
If anyone casts a movie superstar in a fiction show on television again I will faint. Case in point? Big B in Yudh on Sony. All B and no big. Well, stars don't make television? It's the other way round! And it is entirely possible for a filmmaker to hold people to their popcorn for three hours with a Pinga, but television is a different ballgame. If Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Saraswatichandra is anything to go by, it shall be unwatched by many a popcorn popper including myself.
2. The docu-trauma
An original series like Itihaas Gawa Hai worked itself well to a season two. But the ones with mediocre actors impersonating our politcians and war heros are less worthy than a one night stand. All these mean well but all suffer from an apparent lack of resources and ability to create long form non-fiction television. This is the age of phataphat newj. You better be better than that to turn me on.
3. The battle of the apes
Copy cat formats of India's leading English debate shows are no-shows for me. One is enough. It's time to rethink individual identities, and yes, please do make it obvious. Not every one has the resources, research, reach or decibel level to be any different while being the same. You might as well improvise and take chances by being original. If one more channel or one more host comes up with a comparative promo campaign or a PR plug pulling an ex-colleague down, I will both kill as well as keel over.
4. The swami and the soothsayer
One Nagin-type soap on Colors, I am afraid, is enough. Not that I have any "ichcha" to watch that either. But news channels with stripped shows that encourage senseless belief in the swami and miracle-worker at hand are a big no-no. I say we boo all the "babas" out and get on with journalism. It's better to have a dull documentary with a heart than a baba targeting my soul.
5. The entertainment show with baas
No prizes for guessing here. One more of these and there will be more than double trouble. We simply cannot subject ourselves to pointless people doing pointless things on a putrid set with a purposeless goal. Everytime I think of the show, I think of a poor man run over and a weeping family. I really don't care if some starlet wept on the show or some pole dancer tested some dude's libido. Life's too short for such trivia.
6. The soap with a saas
We are still at it, I see. Ever since Kyonki, the country has gone "ba-ba" all the way with the sasu ma dominating the drama. The wicked one. The nice one. The wickedly nice one. The nicely wicked one. The mother-in-law in a family soap is almost as ubiquitous as the black crow in India. Can we get over her already please? She's never going to go away, but must we include her in our marriages daily? It's time we found someone else to blame for the trouble in our lives. How about kabaddi?
7. The Hindi bulletin without a slap
I am never watching Hindi news bulletins again without a thappad. A slapping incident should become a Saturday night special and go viral while it keeps "breaking and breaking". One: it will enliven the ratings on a weekend night. Two: it will make people watch something khaas with less baas. Three: the Hindi bulletin news readers will find time to remove the bird's nests from their hair and get a new wardrobe.
8. The interview without a point
Our penchant for covering hyper news events and making them into hyperbole is overshadowed only by the highly immature reporting. One more "bite" with the reporter asking "kaisa lag raha hai?", one more breathless repetitive factually inadequate tic tac and I am deleting the channel from my DTH forever. Maybe you can watch, but I kaand.
9. The foreign trip with a neta
The year 2015 took me all over the world through the news and I am grateful to our esteemed prime minister for the ride. It's time to discover "Incredible India". I never want to see a repeat performance at Wembley again. Neither do I care if Rahul went to Bangkok or the North Pole. And I am frankly suffering an OD with Obie. I want "Yeh Mera India" back.
10. The redux of the beta
Galey mein kharaash and a Papa hangover. (Sometimes Mama). You all sound the same. From Mulayams to Ranes, from Gandhis to Lalus, the prodigal sons of our country with inherited powers to lead us and even mislead us had better beware. I am bored. Unless you can cut through the media clutter with some real action, you will be less than a chirag in the media eye. Don't count on eating footage on air to remain in satta. Your popularity ka patta has been kaatoed by the likes of Radhe Maa. Or was that Nagin?