If Sholay was made today

1. "Mehbooba-Mehbooba" would be a party song written by Honey Singh focusing exclusively (as any 11-year-old boy would) on the second part of the word mehbooba.

2. Basanti would be played by a liberated Kangana Ranaut and Dhanno would be the name of her motorbike. A Bullet, obviously, which she'd ride around on in at least four leather accessories, because... stereotype.

3. And naturally at some point in the film, Basanti would break from a dialogue to tell you Dhanno's horsepower, the mileage she gives, how quickly she can go from 0 to 60 and why a Bullet is the best thing to ever have happened to humanity.

4. Thakur (post arm-severence) would be the butt of several poorly written "Aye how do you even *nudge nudge wink wink*" sex jokes written by Indra Kumar (of Grand Masti fame) and executed by Riteish Deshmukh in drag.

5. It would be sold as a buddy movie in which Jai and Veeru would travel to Spain to "discover themselves" and the song "Holi Ke Din" would actually be shot at the Tomatina festival.

6. No one would want to marry Basanti because she's boisterous and independent, but both heroes would find themselves in love with Jaya Bhaduri, because sari and sanskaar. (We're looking at you, Cocktail)

7. We'd never be able to popularise the line, "Basanti, inn kutton ke saamne mat naachna" because the Censor Board would beep out the word "kutton" and "Basanti" and possibly "ke", "saamne", "mat" and "naachna".

8. There would be a barrage of think pieces about how Bollywood is trivialising suicide and imprisonment through Dharmendra's iconic "chakki-peesing" mock-suicide scene.

9. A minimum of six religious groups would be offended about Gabbar using a religious celebration like Holi to wreak havoc and perpetrate violence. And one token defamation charge against Asrani for making fun of jailers. Cue the #IStandWithRameshSippy hashtags.

10. Amitabh Bachchan, Dharmendra, Amjad Khan and Hema Malini would be at every mall and college for film promos, tweeting the film poster, instagramming #ShootingSholay selfies and tolerating Kapil Sharma on Comedy Nights With Kapil to promote the film. And Hema Malini would do one aptly-timed press conference in which she would shout down a journalist for being sexist. (Or if we're getting technical, Kangana Ranaut would, but it's the marketing gimmick thought that counts.)