Why elite India never talks about its urban sexists

I have been a bit of an equalist most of my life. That means I like to treat all people as equal. I would have liked to say I am a feminist, but I don’t like the way feminism has become a badge that people like to flaunt on one’s chest (If its not bra-burning stuff, it isn't feminist enough).

Yet, what I intend to discuss here is as much about feminism and women’s equality. For some reason, it is the rural, socio-economically poor folks that get pilloried by feminists and women’s rights advocates for their openly unequal treatment of women. But looking around I have realised, rather late, that the urban, upper class, educated, MNC-employed folks are no different.

Let me illustrate with five examples from my personal life:

1. A friend wished me on having recently delivered my second child, not for my promotion at work that came at the same time. To put this in context, the friend is someone who I have known for 22 years now and who copied answers from me in 8th and 9th grade, lived in the same locality, attended the same college, invited me to his wedding and wished me for mine.

We hadn't stayed in touch since his marriage (men are different creatures when they get married, I’ve noticed) and he recently updated his profile on LinkedIn with his newly-promoted status. I wished him for his promotion and asked about him and his wife’s well-being.

He asked about me and my family. I said I was working with XYZ company and had been recently promoted too. On the family front I said we now had another child. And he congratulated me – for the child. If you asked me, it was tougher to get the promotion than delivering the baby.

2. Family members wished my friend’s husband for buying a house, not her, although she put in a little more than he did on the down payment. It didn’t matter that her name featured on the door’s name plate (and the property papers).

In a country where many people still include the woman’s name on property documents to save income tax and for other arbid reasons, one could say this was expected. But to sit around watching someone else take full credit for your efforts is not easy. Her husband is a wonderful person. But he didn’t correct anyone and graciously extend the praise to his wife.

3. A relative has been unemployed for over a year and the whole world is bent upon helping him. His wife, equally professional, has been unemployed since their marriage. No one has a problem with that. Anyone going on a pilgrimage is tasked by the family to pray to the gods who will remove this bad spell of joblessness.

The man in question, however, admitted to being burnt out from corporate life and is trying his hand as a freelancer. He can’t understand the fuss. What I can't understand is why no one encourages the wife (who is equally well educated and whose career was cut short by marriage) to take up a job and support them. I’ll be happy if the gods give an opening to her. For all you know the man might also be happy with the pressure off him.

4. Distant niece went to the US and returned with feminist ideas, according to her family. She did a year-long course and interacted with people of different nationalities. Upon her return she questioned her grandmother’s subservient attitude towards her grandfather and asked her to be more assertive.

She then told her mother to stop seeking approval from her father for discretionary purchases and asked him to be more transparent about where he spent his money. As a consequence, her groom hunt has been put on hold with the family asking her to rid herself of these "feminist ideas" and "be practical".

5. Son wants a well-educated working woman as life partner. Parents oppose despite their own daughter [the man’s sister] being educated and working. The rationale is that the daughter is trained to run the house and ensure she doesn’t upset the husband-wife dynamic in her quest to have a career.

One cannot be sure if the daughter-in-law to-be has been "trained" by her parents. What if she has "very modern" notions?

Are these subconscious decisions or are they deliberate actions? Because I know all the people discussed above personally, I would like to believe these are sub-conscious biases. These men aren't ill-wishers, egoistic, woman beaters, callous, insensitive louts. But they are men schooled perhaps in the old values of "safeguarding" women.

It is perhaps time for women’s rights advocates and feminists to influence this bunch of urban sexists. Looking beyond the heavily stereotyped autowalas, insensitive policemen, and khap-panchayat hooligans. It is time to start the conversation with fathers, brothers, husbands and sons.

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