All I know of love, post-Valentine’s Day

Now, that Valentine’s Day is over and the prices of roses and chocolates have fallen, let’s talk about love. In India, love has always been associated with sacrifice, about the sufferings that the lovers go through, until they meet or die.

Love for us, is more than what is human. We grow up in notions on love. We worship everyday man and woman and realise one fine day that like all heroes in the pedestals, they too have feet of clay. Our hearts seems broken. We do not find the wonderland, love promised us, where two lovers stay in a world of their own, untouched by the world.

We learn that our lovers no matter how good they are, are not an escape to the everyday mundane affairs of life. We still hurt; we still grow, irrespective of our lovers. The day that thought hits us, we become a little bitter.

Our lovers don’t seem anywhere near to the Gods and Goddesses we fell in love with or died to have a glance of. We see them every day. Fights happen. Life takes over. And we call it, growing up.

In my teens and twenties, I was just a woman in love. The person I loved was God to me. I sang sonnets and wrote poems. Of course, it failed. So many times, the person we are in love with and the person who really is are two different people. And especially when your love is unrequited, you can curve and mould that person in your head. Being in a relationship or being married to that same person, is another ball of game. The person seems no more anywhere close to the sonnet you sang, because the person is real.

When I worshiped that person, it looked all perfect. I thought, if ever I had that person in my life, my life would know no misery. But in reality the person was not someone I could just hang around for a week. Life happens to everyone. Without even knowing we grow, we change.

Also, let me confess here. This unrequited love happened to me twice, with the same consequence. I was a woman, who held her breath to be in a relationship. I could have done anything, become a completely another person just to be with that person. I used to stalk that person’s girlfriend or woman friends on social media. I wanted to be the women that surrounded his life, because I was not allowed there. It was almost an obsession. The pain was almost a luxury.

But once I started knowing that person, I could not have a conversation. Our vibes were completely from two different planets. He spoke in Roman, I spoke in Hebrew. No one got each other. I did no longer wanted to be like his girlfriends. I liked the woman I was. That was the end of my unrequited love.

Now in my early thirties, I am still a lover. Love has always saved me from every misery of the world. Yes, it has protected me as warm covers in cold nights. I am still a woman in love, but here is the change.

Oprah Winfrey says, “I've seen so many women (and been one myself) dazed by the idea of romance, believing they're not complete unless they find someone to make their lives whole. When you think about it, isn't that a crazy notion? You, alone, make a whole person. And if you feel incomplete, you alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty, shattered spaces.”

The thing is that, one fine day, I decided enough is enough; I cannot spend the rest of my life in crumbs. I held my heart and promised to walk in courage, and in love. When your life is a place where you are waiting for someone’s stamp of approval, you are like a crumbling doll that has nothing to hold it together. You will fall at each disapproval. You will fall at every hurt. You will run into pillar and post for approval. And you will become a people-pleaser. And I tell you that is being in a black hole. No matter what you offer, there is darkness at the end of the day.

Long back, I was told by a spiritual master that love holds the universe together. And if I am falling, I have to love myself to hold it together. I could not grasp it altogether then, but now I do.

Love is investing on love. Love is my gifts. Love is nurturing my own talents. Love is sitting for hours and writing that one piece that holds my heart. Love is having a cup of coffee on my own without scrolling my social media feeds and be okay with it. Love is creating a good life. A life that I love not what other’s approving of. Love is standing by my choices.

There was once when I thought I would give up writing, because the other person would not appreciate it (I know, I was stupid). But I know, giving upon writing was giving upon love. Love does not want me to sacrifice. Love wants me to thrive. Love is having a set of good friendships. That will sustain you a lot of storm.

Love is feeling good about your body and your day. It is not running around trying to someone else, love is being okay with who you are. Love has not asked me to be a martyr, but a beloved. Love wants me to be happy.

Love is going for a road trip. After I stopped holding my breath, I realised I loved to just go on road trips. I have started that. Love, I know, wants the best of me. Love wants me to grow to be a blessed woman.

Love does not hurt, it makes you happy. Love asks me to invest on love. And it promises to hold me together. Love wants me to have it all together. The longs walks with close friends, to the long hours spent in a piece that I write.

And yes, love does take you from miseries. When I invest on what I love and let go on what I don’t or what does not honour me, love brings the best life has to offer. It brings people and situations I love. Now I know that love wants me to be the highest expression of myself.

I often repeat these verses from the Bible, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” And yes, love is all these. It is not asking for a makeover or for me to raise the fallen because love is already kind, it is already patient and most importantly it’s always there.

And when two people who love their lives wholly, fall in love, magic happens and all the fairytales come alive. Love is always there waiting for you. All you need to do is invest on it. It will guide you home. It is the only thread that ties your breath and the universe.

This I know for sure.

Also read: Gift Faiz Ahmed Faiz’s poetry to someone you love this Valentine's Day