Why a lot of 'cool, young women' don't call themselves feminists

In a recent interview, author Arundhati Roy talked about her annoyance with "cool, young women" who say they are not feminists. "If you’re not a feminist," she admonishes, "go back into your veil, sit in the kitchen and take instructions. You don’t want to do that? Thank the feminists."

If women wielding a pen for social change, holding up banners in a protest marches, appearing in debates on the news, dressed stunningly, sum up the image of feminism, and subtracted from this sum are women in the kitchen, and women in veils, it is no wonder that "feminism" is a word seen as narrow and elitist, and divisive more than inclusive.

Jane Fonda placed the term in perspective, when she said: "Feminism is about the spirit". Good women in kitchens, and in veils - whether they are in traditional spaces or have covered faces, by choice or by compulsion - are like the rest of us, trying to better their human condition in any way they know how.

To assume that their lives are meaningless and inert is a stereotype that continues to be perpetuated by many feminists. Ironic, when the premise of feminism was to break stereotypes.

"Thank the feminists," as Roy insists, is always a respectful gesture, but any woman who stood up to be counted a hundred years ago, or today, did it or does it because she believes she must, first and foremost, do it for herself. The fact that in owning herself she is seen as a role model, is how the world outside defines her.

The wars at home are not less important than the wars in politics. Wars begin in homes. When we see growing rage and hate in the world, there is something that is amiss inside of our homes. Happenings in public spaces are only a reflection of goings-on in private spaces.

Many times, it is a good loving, tender traditional woman, providing a warm heart and hearth, that nurtures and nourishes, making the world a healthier, happier place.

These women have endurance, hardihood, and yet spread cheer to innumerous others, through the ebbs and flows of their life.

A woman of this grand nature is best represented as the mother in a working class family in the 1989 film My Left Foot. Yes, she spent most of her time in the "kitchen", while she "took instructions" from her husband, and did all manner of labour for her half-a dozen children.

She wielded her feminine power by loving, supporting, encouraging each and every member in her family. A good, strong woman is not always the one on the frontlines or in the headlines.

She is also the one who sits down, listens, makes peace, cooks up a warm meal bringing the entire family together on one table, is the voice of calm, grace and love, quietly lifting the burdens of those around her, with ingenuity, integrity with quiet courage. Maternal instincts don’t make a woman any less of a warrior. In humans, or in animals. Usually, more so.

A working mother with a demanding job will almost always have another strong woman beside her, making her life possible. This woman behind the scenes ensures that her family is eating healthy, ensuring her children are happy and her home safe. Often in the "kitchen", "taking instructions" are usually mothers, mothers-in-law and grandmothers.

These women are the "piece of heaven" that many women turn to when life begins to feel like hell. Are they the women of "small things" working for the women of "big things"? Is being a caring woman and building a home, raising balanced, healthy, happy children an inferior goal, even though it is much harder than holding down a job? Does greater caring capacity for others instead of their own personal success make them "lesser" women?

In the film Mona Lisa Smile, when Joan, instead of taking up the seat that she has been offered from a prestigious law school, decides to get married, her teacher Katherin Watson is stupefied and speechless. Joan responds matter-of-factly: "I know what I am doing. And, it doesn’t make me less smart."

Later, in the movie Katherin’s colleague and lover talks to Katherine about her expectations of everyone around her. "Joan failed you. You came to Wesley College not to help people find their way, but to help them find your way."

While in The Incredibles, Elastigirl represents wonderfully what it means to be a woman. She is a champion, not only because she can stretch her limbs infinitely, but also her heart and mind.

She doesn’t lose her verve when she gives up her superhero suit, and becomes a wife, mother, and homemaker. When she needs to go find and save her husband, she simply puts it back on. Whether in a domestic space or among superheroes, she stands her ground. And that’s what makes her incredible. 

Progress is shaped not only through achievement, but also through humanity, kindness, warmth and love. If humanity is to save itself from extinction, professional achievements need to be celebrated along with values of goodness, benevolence, and generosity.

As far as broad judgements characterising women in veils, they always fall short. Show me a woman who is compelled to wear a burkini, and I will show you ten who don’t like to be compelled to wear a bikini.

My anger at the images of Muslim women forcibly being made to remove their clothing on the beaches of France as a backlash after terror attacks, was matched by pleasure this week, with images of Muslim fashion designer Anniesa Hasibuan who made history as the first ever designer to feature hijabs (headscarf) in every outfit on a New York Fashion Week ramp.

This, a month after Ibtihaj Muhammed from the American fencing team, who while wearing a hijab, won an Olympic medal. Growing up in Kuwait, my French and Arabic subject teacher who wore a hijab was one of the first examples I encountered of feminism, even when I had not learned the word.

The way she carried herself spoke volumes through the layers she wore. Over the years, a lot of my school friends have taken on the hijab out of choice, to make a cultural statement against the pressure to not wear one.

The social pressure, they say, on educated, working Muslim women to not wear a hijab by liberal friends and colleagues is almost as strong as the pressure to wear one by patriarchal, orthodox diktats.

A woman in a bikini may desperately want to save the woman in a burkini, but the woman in a burkini does not necessarily want to play into what she may see as a hypersexualised image.

Women the world over are fighting for rights to control their bodies and are making their ways differently in the world, ways that are sometimes unimaginable to each other.

Women with liberal values can have narrow political views, while they can have traditional values and radical political views. The two are not mutually exclusive. The choice to work in the home or to work out of it, to cover up or take off, is a choice. Without apology.

A lot of us "cool, young women", yes, do not use the word "feminist". Not to discount the path-breaking work of the feminists, but to say that the word, woman, too simply suffices. Woman is, but of course, equal. And infinite. Another word to defend it is a choice. But not necessary.

Whether we choose to call ourselves feminists or simply women, let’s not undermine the enormous power of a good woman, simply because she challenges our imagination.

As Gloria Steinhem says succinctly: "Feminism is about baking a new pie." And, the woman in the kitchen, among other things, just bakes a yummier pie than the rest of us.

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