Oh my desi! Why can't you live with my Indian accent?
It is amusing to watch Shane Warne struggle with "Saar Ootaa Kayee Jiyoou Auor Saar Ootaa Keye Kaeialo" in a TV advertisement.
"Aare yaar, yeh itna bhi nahi bol sakta?" is the first question that comes to one's mind. And, "Aur ham isko fir bhi iss add ka itna paisa de rahen hai" follows.
Almost all the reporters on western news channels pronounce Muslims as "Mauzlims" and "al Qaeda" as "Ayile Kaiyedda". The British lived on our soil for nearly 200 years and not only failed to learn our language, but also could never learn to pronounce the names of some of our prominent cities like Jaipur or Lucknow properly.
What if one of them is asked to sing our national anthem? OMG, can you imagine? They never cared to learn and were never ever ashamed of this shortfall.
On the flip side, "We the people" can speak and write Queen's English, some of us probably better than the Queen of England herself.
We are also obsessed with being always "Englishly correct", and are conscious of it whenever we open our mouth to speak.
Not a drop of my desi side should I reveal. Not funny, but we insist on talking even to the waiter/waitress at the odd restaurant in English, forcing him/her to struggle and speak the "Phoren" language. Why are we hell-bent on impressing them?
If we catch somebody speaking "non-convent" or shall we say "non conven-tinental" English, we dump her/his company. Our industry is so conscious of it I have seen qualified guys with brilliant CVs being rejected over "Communication skills" because of an Indian accent!
We are amused when a Maharashtrian calls the writing instrument "pain" and an Allahabadi "pan" (as in the frying pan) and a Punjabi "pennn". Also, "Baide room", "Bad room" and "Beddd room" rhyme, similar to "Bed room" - oh so desi.
Never miss the two-baidroom "hole" kitchen of our Gujju Bhais. If a Phirangi cricketer still calls Sachin Tendulkar "Sashin Tendauoolkar (here T is as in Train and not as in Tehran), why should I bother about "ishtaar and ishtyle" or that "Inglis is a phunni languaze".
"Does our dvuulpment dippendd on how we taak? Don't get shaac, Paarnounceiation is no maiyyarr (as in Nayyar) of praagress. Why worry about ismaal things, go have a hot burjur with mainee's saas! Yes baass, as laaang as you don't "heart" others pheelings and uxplain your paiyant, there is no praablum."
We are in awe of everyone except ourselves.
We get embraced (oops!) embarrassed at a restaurant and order pasta because we don't know we must pronounce Lasagne as La-zan-ya.
In China, we acquire a Chinese way of speaking English, we are influenced by Arabs of all the people when we want to show we are "Dubai-returned" - oh so Desi.
Everyone rubs off on us. The British ruled us and we called it a "toilette", then a "bath room" and as the Americans' influence grew over the world, we started calling it the "rest room", and now we are so American, we have to call it a "wash room"!
The room is the same and the job done using it no different, then why worry so much about the name? Don't link your esteem and position in society to your sh*t!
The heads of state of countries like China, Korea, Japan or Russia address international gatherings in their own language and also carry a heavy native accent when they speak English. And we, the pseudo-intellectuals, at least a few of us, say that our PM cannot speak the foreign language perfectly! Shame on us.
A friend went to the UK for for just nine months, but his wife and he returned total phirangis.
Huge "Aksent yaar" and what they acquired 30 years back still remains intact. There are those who go to the US for barely three months and return as half Texans. Someone joked and said a fellow acquired an American accent immediately after his visa was stamped at the US Embassy: I am going to the "YOU ASS".
And when someone starts speaking Hindi in English, it surely gives me goosebumps. "Hey, thum kya khaarta hai? Don't you see Meim Saahib bath laye raaha hai."
Let us learn from the British and the Americans to work hard to be punctual, be patriotic, responsive, and responsible - it doesn't matter whether we speak inglis in Bihari or angreji in Punjabi.
We laugh when, in Police Academy, someone says "Bust your arse" (even if there is nothing to laugh at), but look around awkwardly when we listen to Rani Mukherjee's "arse" in Hindi starting with a big "G*** Phatt jayegi" in No one killed Jessica.
And say, "Oh, Bahuot Abusive hai yaar! Absolutely sadaak chhapp!" So embarrassing - oh, so Desi.
Sandhu becomes Sandy, Mandip a Mandy, Kulwinder a Candy and Randhawa a Randy! Gay is not so gay in Punjab after all. Translation in Punjabi will be Oh-so-Slummish! Don't even try it.
Middleclass dogs (pets of middleclass) are named Fluffy, Peter or Bugsy while Moti and Sheru are relegated to the Dhobi Ghats or Press wallas on the Nukkad. Some of us feel "PG" sounds better than Paharganj!
I wish we had ruled the world - sochne main kya harz hai! The most popular dailies for the rich and mighty British living in central London would be called London Bhaskar, York Shire Jagaran or Manchester Ujala.
Let us change ourselves in a more meaningful and substantial way, not just harp on about a 5,000-year-old sanskriti or culture. Let's do it and be proud of it.
Grow up. It can happen if you want it to.