Love, sex and romance: Technology is not making us less loving, but it's changing the way we love

Love.

For as long as we have existed, we have loved. We may never understand what 'love' truly means, what it looks like or feels like, and may never come to a definition which we all agree upon. Yet, this elusive human experience continues to be all-pervasive — a life goal which humans have pursued for as long as humans have pursued goals.

People have pursued love since the beginning of history. (Source: India Today)

In recent years, however, love seems to have come into combat with technology. And it isn’t only dating apps that have become Cupid’s arch-nemesis. Social media is another culprit. We seek likes from our virtual friends, even when love with our partner may be dwindling. Pillow talk is being replaced by scrolling down the newsfeed on our individual phones. Any moment of boredom is filled with a quick glance at what’s happening on Instagram, or a quick selfie for those one hundred “hearts” from your followers. But wait, it doesn’t end here. There is an entire world of sex dolls and robots that as a budding industry find its way into our hearts and bedrooms. Lars and the Real Girl is not a story we see only in the movies, but one of the many men across the world who have committed their lives to — dolls.

All of this has been made possible by one thing alone — technology.

That’s the common thread between social media, dating apps, and at its extreme, sex dolls that mimic real life.

But there is another common thread that runs between the three — and that is love. 

With the connections we make on social media pulling us away from connections in real life, dating apps making hellos and goodbyes quick and allegedly thoughtless, and well, sex dolls, completely removing the human from the equation, it is easy to accuse technology of eroding our capacity to love.

Indeed, many would tell you that we just don’t believe in love the way our parents did! That we don’t care about commitment or monogamy as much, and finding a mate is no longer as important. And that this, in part, is because of technology.

Dating apps have both eased out and complicated relationships. (Source: Reuters)

Experts disagree.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist whose expertise is romantic love, tells us that humans are a “pair-bonding species”. In an enlightening TED talk on the impact of technology on relationships, she highlights how despite the fact that in 86 per cent cultures worldwide, polygyny is permitted, only about 5 to 6 per cent men actually have multiple wives.

But what does any of this have to do with technology?

One of the assumptions we make about the rising cases of infidelity is that this is partly due to the ease of access provided to us by dating apps and such. But enough research has been done to show that an app doesn’t make a loyal person a cheat, or a cheat, a loyal person. In words of Fisher, these are mere introduction platforms. What we do with the person (or people) we meet online is a function of who we are.

A recent study conducted with 19,000 couples across the United States, who solemnised their relationship between the years 2005 and 2012, found that those who met online reported slightly higher relationship satisfaction. This is because, contrary to popular belief, the ease of access is allowing us to make a more informed choice when it comes to choosing a partner for life.

Technology has aided in making break-ups less painful. (Source: India Today)

Certainly, the way we court is changing rapidly and dramatically. There is less face-time than before because we can now text, voice- and video-call each other. Rejections are quicker, as is the process of getting to know the superficial details about one another, given that much of our lives are now online. Heartbreak feels less hopeless when we consider that thousands of potential partners are a swipe away.

Yet, the time we take to truly get to know someone remains unchanged. The self-doubt, ups and downs, hopes and desires, disappointment and forgiveness, care and concern that one has for a partner remains unchanged.

The hurt of heartbreak remains unchanged.

This is because love — whether orchestrated by handwritten letters, or 140-character tweets — remains unchanged. Love is a human emotion, as primitive, as basic, as instinctive, as innate, and as necessary, as happiness.

And that is something no sci-fi can alter.

Also read: Love in the time of depression and anxiety