20 things that are the absolute worst

There was a time I could almost ignore the people and the things that annoyed me and work past them without reacting. Now, having reached this half point in my life, my level of tolerance is zero to nil. I’m so done, and I’m calling it in the hope that by venting it will make me more tolerant.

1) Wives who treat their husbands like children

Laying out their clothes down to the underwear, tolerating their tantrums, packing for them…) and yet obey them like a father. I still have friends who can’t and won’t travel or even go for a night out without permission. I need to rethink these friendships.

2) Slow walkers who zig zag

When I was living in London you could spot a tourist from the pace they walked the streets. As a Londoner, you spot the gaps, squeeze and zip past. But when you get a walker who’s aping a drunk snail and doesn’t allow for those gaps I want my eyes to shoot missiles at them.

3) Unfit, unhealthy aunties

What’s with these hugely unfit women in malls that can’t walk 20 metres without huffing and puffing. They are the ones taking a go cart in airports and now even in malls.

4) Mutterers and announcers

People who can’t regulate their volume to match the situation. I find this is particularly true of Americans and Japanese on the opposite ends of the spectrum. One lot wants the whole world and their dog to be privy to their private conversation and the other fears disturbing the air with their sound waves.

5) An untrainable husband

Why is it impossible for him to say “amazing” when asked: “How do I look?” I have calmly explained to him more times than I choose to count that I don’t really want his opinion, it’s just a ritual to boost my confidence when I already know I’m looking amazing. He nods his head in supposed understanding but the very next time I ask this question, worded exactly to avoid ambiguity, he looks at me (first mistake) and says, “What’s the other option?” Urrrghhh!

6) Snorers

My daughter snores, my husband snores and I’m an insomniac. It’s an unbeatable combination — not. Yet, I can deal with them. One sleeps in her own room. The other I kick and suffocate with pillows till he stops breathing or I exhaustedly fall asleep from the exertion or it’s finally morning.

It’s the snorers on flights I can’t hack. Why is it that they are always the first to fall asleep? There should be a rule, that if you snore or wheeze or make any unseemly sounds, you’re not allowed to sleep in public places. Except, I know that most of these people would annoy me even if they stayed awake and this brings me to my next point.

7) Sniffers

Go blow your nose and stop with the sniffing, loud swallowing and repeatedly clearing your throat. I want to buy them all a lozenge and a sound proof cage.

8) Noisy eaters 

In Japan, loudly slurping your ramen is the norm. The Japanese are so elegant with it that the slurps can make your mouth water. But anyone else gulping or eating with their mouth open or licking the sauce off their lips or fingers is simply gross and must be made to starve.

9) Interrupters 

The art of listening is the most important element for a good conversation. If you don’t know how to listen, actively listen, don’t bother talking to me.

10) Kids with Ipads 

I’ve busted my tush to have a largely screenfree child, and then I’ll get to a restaurant to spend a long leisurely Sunday brunch with friends, where I imagine us drinking every bottle of champers during the free flow and the kids running around causing havoc as kids should. Instead, each kid will pull out a device to watch or play something on and I’ll be too sloshed to exercise any authority on my child.

But as I drunkenly hand over my phone to a five-year-old who cannot believe her luck I will be cursing those parents who say “we’ve tried everything to get them off the device”. No, you obviously haven’t.

11) People who get cross if you don’t answer their message within 20 seconds of reading it

12) Women who think it’s normal to wake up at 10.30 am

Half my morning is over by then.

13) Shops that don’t open till 11 am

14) Excessive use of beautify 

Photo correction apps that stretch you un-proportionately, bleach you till you have no features and a filter that gives a haloed glow so that no one can recognise you. Am I the only one seeing how ridiculously fake they look?

15) People who go on beach holidays without setting foot on sand, soaking the sun or getting wet 

Why don’t they stay at home and go to the club for a swim?

16) Personal space invaders

17) Drunken huggers

I don’t like to be touched at best of times but when you’re inebriated keep your hands to yourself.

18) Bad breath 

Worst is when the last three are combined. Suck a mint.

19) Running late 

I’m often late and I can’t bear it but when someone’s late on me they are toast.

20) People who tire easily 

Ok, so I know I have the energy of a hyper 10-year-old boy but come on, what’s with leaving early to rest when you’re having a blast? I’m tired of listening to how tired you are — suck it up, you got one life.

My word count’s up and I haven’t even gotten to traffic or Trump. Maybe they’re best left playing with each other. As for me, after this rant I’ll probably be more hated than I already am but at least I’ll be less bugged for about three-and-a-half minutes.

(Courtesy: Mail Today)

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