Peg by peg, Tamil Nadu spirited rescue

Take your monthly pension of Rs 1,000 (even if you are not a senior citizen, you can get it if you spend a few bucks), get a "cutting" (colloquial for peg) at TASMAC (Tamil Nadu State Marketing Corporation), eat curd rice at Amma canteen, go back home, which is half built because you ran out of Amma cement midway, sleep under the stars, but with an Amma fan cooling you. Of course, only if power is available. Next morning, have hot idlis for breakfast made with Amma grinder along with coconut chutney ground using Amma mixie! Repeat the process.

Old, well worn joke. And the Amma cement is a recent addition, by the way.

A state notorious for its elaborate freebies that include colour televisions, mixers, grinders, fans, laptops and milch cows, among others, is running out of funds. So said former chief minister O Panneerselvam, as he had last presented his fifth consecutive budget, but for the first time as chief minister and finance minister rolled into one in the absence of Amma.

"Our continued thrust on subsidies and increased social sector spending to protect the poor are leading to huge financial commitment," the accidental chief minister had said, even as he lamented that the finance commission and the Centre had been unfair to Tamil Nadu by slashing funds of over Rs 21,116 crore.

Fair point. So now what does the state government do to gain additional revenues? Drink up you "kudimagan" (citizen in Tamil, also interpreted to mean drunkard), it says.

Revenues from TASMAC (Tamil Nadu State Marketing Corporation), which has monopoly over alcohol distribution and sales in the state, have peaked at Rs 26,188 crore in 2014-15. Next fiscal's target stands at Rs 29,627 crore. That would roughly mean an additional 1.5 crore sets of mixer-grinder packages can be gifted away. So if you want home appliances, all you have to do in Tamil Nadu is drink!

The state, however, in its all knowing wisdom, has been merciful in increasing, nay almost doubling budget outlays for healthcare from Rs 4,395.31 crore in 2010-11 to Rs 8,245.41 crore in the coming fiscal. The "kudimagans" are likely going to need it - what with alcoholism and alcohol-related diseases mushrooming in the state, the burden on the state's healthcare system is sure to increase.

"The state spends at least two times more on health than the revenues being received through liquor retailing," said Dr Lakshmi Vijaykumar, head of the Psychiatry department at Chennai-based Voluntary Health Services (VHS). "Already one in three accidents is alcohol-related. Average drinking age has come down from 19 years to 13-14 years. Of the people who consume liquor, 80 per cent fall into the hazardous drinkers category and only 15-20 per cent drink in moderation," she adds.

Phew, thanks Sir for thinking that one through. "Kudimagans" would certainly need free treatment for liver cirrhosis and transplants once they have lost the ability to work and earn after taking your encouragement to heart.

And our heartfelt thanks too to your colleagues for coming up with such mind-blowing concepts like Amma theatres, where tickets would be subsidised. Of course, a lurking fear remains that these would only play hit films of the MGR-Jayalalithaa era! Though many of us won't really mind - after a "quarter" who really cares what they are watching as long as the AC is working?

The state government can rest assured though that the revenue targets for TASMAC will most certainly be met in 2015-16, in fact, possibly even exceeding them. Elections beckon in 2016! All political parties have already started their campaigns in the state. And as we inch closer to the end of 2015, booze will flow freely as public meetings and rallies gain importance.

Not to worry Sir - your arch political rivals will, in fact, aid you in achieving the goal set for TASMAC as they ply the electorate with biriyani and 'quarter' bottles.

So bring on the freebies, we'll pay for them for sure.

We'll also pay for the overpriced power purchases that your government is making. We are happy to contribute to all the projects that your ministers and officials are swindling from. And no, we don't mind that few investments are happening in the state and that fewer jobs are being created. No problem at all, we'll just slug it down and stay blissfully sozzled.

Do us just one favour though. Since your government is anyway topping our drinks off, please bring in more variety in the booze. That way, we won't have to go all the way to Pondicherry to get the good stuff or ask friends to stop by at the Duty Free shops in the airport.

We will set your coffers on fire, in true Tamilian style!