How Pakistan attacked Reham Khan

My sister: I'm so tired. I can't deal with it any more. Why am I the only one who goes through this crap?

Me: Stop complaining. Don't whine. Do something about it.

The issue: In 2015, meet the only woman that I know of who owns a car but doesn't know how to drive

My niece: Damn, I'm so tired. Not again. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. I feel like such a failure.

Me: Stop complaining. Don't whine. Try again.

The issue: Despite knowing how to drive, she feels nervous about driving

My cousin: I'm so tired. It's just wrecking my nerves, and I'm thinking of quitting.

Me: Stop complaining. Don't whine. Quit already.

Her issue: She hates to drive in Lahore's insane traffic.

The moral: These are non-issues, and the only thing one could do: tell them to chill. But then there are other issues, the real ones, which need sitting down quietly, much introspection, and a great deal of agonising, and action. Of relationships falling to pieces, of marriages disintegrating, of domestic abuse, of husbands' infidelity, of the agony of a divorce, of surviving alone. Of the increasing cost of living, of barely managing. Of facing sexual abuse at home, of getting raped, of near-death brutalisation of acid-throwing, of honour killing. Of facing harassment at workplace; of being stared at on a bus to work; of giving birth after four children; of secret, painful abortions; of being beaten up verbally and physically. Of quitting school, of having fewer work opportunities, of having limited options of self-employment, of being paid less than the male counterparts, of having to quit careers for the sake of marriage. Of living bleak lives with no choices at all.

The reaction to one's interview with Reham Khan for India Today Woman has been so strange that there's a lot one could say, but then most of it would be seen as an ineffectual exercise to "defend the indefensible". When one posted the link to the interview, it was accompanied by one's write-up for this website (DailyO), a sister concern of India Today Woman. That write-up was one's impression of Reham Khan the woman, the mother, the broadcaster, and Imran Khan's wife. Before that interview one had spoken to Reham a couple of times, briefly, and since the interview, there's been no interaction.

Reham and I are not friends, but that's in no way a negation of my positive opinion of her after talking to her for hours during the interview. Reactions are a norm after a famous person's interview; it's merely the mindlessness of reactions that is bewildering, to say the least.

Visibly dismayed, rather angry, at the way one answer (from Reham's interview) was taken out of context, and twisted to attack her in myriad ways, one tweeted that one'd respond to various questions/attacks on the interview through an article. Her tweet to one in response to that said a great deal about her ability to take criticism, even outright vitriolic attacks, on her and her family:

It's simple. The naysayers, the critics, the attackers… My reaction is not to your right of response to someone's words. My question is simple: who has made you the judge, jury, executioner and jailer here? Reham's words may have been an oversimplification of her real meaning, but your judgement of her is in no way a summing-up of who she is. To you, Reham's answer may be "audacious", "arrogant", "ostrich-philosophy", or she may be "living in the bubble of privilege", "sheltered from the truth of 'real' women's pain"; however, your opinion is just that: your opinion. React to Reham's words, but what's the justification of your sanctimonious judgement-passing? The ascribing of motives? The presumption of intention? The allegation of mal-intent? The arrogance of reading between the lines where there's nothing to read?

How do you look at the place of women in society?

I really think women need to stop complaining. I'm very unsympathetic to whiners. Stop making excuses for yourself. First change your perception that you're inferior in some way. I don't think that I'm a woman; I am an individual, and it doesn't limit me from doing anything.

It's the constant mud-slinging on Reham by those who have never met her, have never talked to her, or know anything about her life that's baffling to those of us who don't pretend to know those we see on our television screens or Twitter timelines. Reham's response to my question about the role of women in society may have been an oversimplification of a very complex narrative, but your absolute judgement of who you think she is… it's nothing but another gross generalisation of women.

It's irrelevant what Reham's life and her struggles have been all about: the physical abuse in her first marriage; her raising of three children as a single parent; her many jobs; her distributing of leaflets in snow to make an extra buck; her daily four-hour train journey for a job she couldn't quit because she didn't want her son to change schools; her eviction from her house because of repossession when the former husband stopped paying the mortgage; of Reham doing it all on her own. It's about judging a woman without knowing the first thing about her in your ostensibly noble mission of standing up for women. The irony of that is almost painful, once it ceases to be laughable.

The articles/blogs in Dawn, Daily Times, and Express Tribune, all attacking this one answer. Seriously? Your "enlightened" minds and "rigid" eyes narrow your interpretation of the words "complaint" and "whine" into your reduction of a woman into someone who's "not one of you?" Thank the Lord for that, I say.

The first paragraph of the Express Tribune blog by one gentleman, a "woman-respecting" Pakistani male who thought he must tell the woman [Reham] who was telling women to stop complaining how he takes offence to her words is so venomous it's almost satirical: "The cover of India Today featured a clichéd garden shot of Mrs Khan with her children; bound in a moment of sweet domestic bliss witnessed often in magazines, seldom in cooking oil commercials, and never in real life. Beneath the saccharine image, in bold white, are printed familiar words of conformity to the patriarchal system that drive Xanax sales within the feminist quarters".

Errr, seriously, Mr Blogger? The photographs were taken by Madiha Aijaz, a noted photographer, and a teacher at the esteemed Indus Art School, Karachi - whose photography for Reema Abbasi's book, Historic Temples in Pakistan: A Call to Conscience brought her domestic and international acclaim. The location of the "clichéd garden shot" was her suggestion, based on having watched Reham's hours-long interaction with her children. It was Madiha's idea to click Reham doing what she does most naturally: be a mother to her children. Therefore, the shot you see on the cover is Reham Khan being Reham Khan. The sheer simplicity of that may not pierce the layers of judgement-passing and arrogance of adjectivising strangers, but hey, give it a shot.

The last two lines of Mr Blogger's sanctimonious "verdict" on Reham do not even deserve a comment. It made me cringe. The absolute arrogance of passing judgement without even the slightest comprehension of what was said: "Instead of mentoring women on how to accept their gender-specific punishments with grace, teach society to stop meting them. If the voice of the victim of inequality bothers you more than the presence of inequality itself, you may need to reassess your priorities".

Slow clap, Mr Blogger. You've exhibited a special kind of male chauvinism in your magnanimous mission to straighten Reham Khan's "moral compass." And the two female writers of Dawn and Daily Times: Telling women to stop complaining about trivial issues is NOT an admonition, or telling them to refrain from raising their voice against the injustices, the inequalities, the cruelty. It is simply based on someone's personal experiences: empower yourself so that you are not enfeebled by society's categorisation of genders. Telling women not to "whine" is NOT a suggestion for pushing their real issues under the decorum of silence. Advising women not to waste their lives on trivial issues is NOT silencing the laments of an already "strangulated majority."

One could go on, but then the pointlessness of it all leaves one's adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions, inflections and adjectives cold. Those who judge do not care about the truth. Their job is unidimensional: be the arbiter of others' morality. Morality be damned.