Saying no to bacon is now going to get as hard as quitting smoking

Hangover food has never been known to restore a toxic bloodstream back to health, but it does nurse nausea, an aching head, or a grouchy frame of mind well. Bacon’s been putting smiles on the faces of drunk college freshmen for way too long, as have ham sandwiches, on the faces of tired PhD candidates, who’re likely to throw stuff in the refrigerator together when they want their fix of meat and carbs late at night.

Buzzkill: The World Health Organisation (WHO) might officially announce that both could give you cancer.

If the announcement is finalised, bacon, sausages, ham, and other kinds of processed meat will be listed under the "encyclopedia of carcinogens", along with arsenic and cigarettes. It’s also being speculated that red meat in general might also be part of the list, being only slightly less harmful than its processed counterparts. WHO’s very own International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) claims that this needn’t mean a complete withdrawal, but only monitoring consumption.

The North American Meat Institute believes that a formal announcement could be worrying for the meat industry, and it’d take a lot of time and resources to salvage it. I, however, doubt that meat lovers are prepared to put (almost) instant gratification on hold, considering the fact that ghastly images on cigarette packs haven’t been able to deter smokers. No one I know has stopped drinking Coke – people have switched to Diet Coke, for “health reasons”, which is ironic and worse (all cancer warnings be damned).

Gastronomic solidarity is even harder to crack. Before anyone could even try pointing a finger at its legacy, Italy has already clarified that Parma ham isn’t processed, but matured over a period of time and uses no preservatives. It’s a narrow escape, though, since the IARC report finds that the relation between meat and cancer also includes salted, cured, or fermented versions. The identity of South American cuisine – especially Argentine and Brazilian – is strongly tied to red meat, too, and they sure aren’t giving it up anytime soon. The UK’s NHS has gone as far as to state that beef, lamb, and pork are great sources of protein and vitamins.

There’s clearly too much at "steak" here. In the US, greasy meat isn’t just a way of life, but also intertwined with masculinity. Try jeopardising that. It is much like India, where the Maggi ban didn’t last – it has already been lifted in Karnataka and Gujarat. While speaking to a friend over the phone last night, I asked what she was eating, to which she replied: “Maggi”. I thought I had misheard, and asked her to clarify. “Yes, Maggi... because I want lead in my body,” she said with finality.

If you’re thinking that’s because Maggi is vegetarian, then there are all the protests against the beef ban for evidence. Kerala and Hyderabad made their point long ago by hosting beef-eating festivals. Speaking of tantrums, even Kashmir saw a total shutdown recently over the high court’s implementation of an 83-year old law against cow slaughter. The law hadn’t been imposed until now primarily because the state has a Muslim majority and would consider the ban a threat to its religious identity. The power that food has over communities shouldn’t be underestimated. People will defend and rationalise their right to eat what they want, no matter what explanation – however scientific or logical – is thrown their way. Anyway, as a threat, processed or red meat doesn’t even come close to cigarettes or arsenic. It should probably be taken with a pinch of sugar (because, you know, an excess of sugar is harmful, too, yet still a guilty pleasure). Eat, and let eat. Don’t know about the rest of you, but the thought of a “half” English breakfast is frightening to me.