When journalists can't keep calm and carry on

"It was too much to bear," said Renald Luzier famous as Luz, the only satirical cartoonist-journalist who survived the Charlie Hebdo massacre by Kouachi Brothers in Paris, this January. Luz was the only one who wasn't shot at, as he overslept after his birthday celebration and turned up late for the news meeting. The mass murder had killed 11 journalists while they were engrossed in planning the next edition, on the fateful morning.

Luz has been finding it difficult to hold on as "each issue is a torture" for the cartoonist who has been battling sleepless nights thinking about his missing colleagues. Luz worked with them since 1992, and it was just a matter of chance that he came late and missed the bullets, allegedly fired by the two brothers.

Luz described to the world his mental condition and inability to deal with the tag of being the "sole survivor". He was too busy all this while, picking the broken pieces, driven by collective motive to bring out the next edition and KEEPING up a brave front. But, not anymore as the trauma, clearly is too much for Luz to bear. The media professional who was in the midst of newsroom humdrum for decades suddenly found him as the centre of media attention. He detested being projected as "a hero," which he never was and never wanted to be. "I will not be Charlie Hebdo anymore but will always be Charlie," was his message.

Luz's condition is understandable. Beneath the hardened professional who found humour in most dire situations was a vulnerable human being who found it difficult to battle the haunting memories of his colleagues who worked with him in closely. After all, he was associated with Stephane Charbonnier, Jean Cabut and Bernard Verlhac, the guys who died, for so long.

What about Kevin Carter, South African photographer who won a Pulitzer Prize for his photo on Sudan famine in 1994? Carter's unsettling photograph featured a toddler girl making weak attempts to reach the nearby camp to fend food and an eagle waiting to catch its prey had won accolades. Yet, the photographer committed suicide three months after winning the Pulitzer, finding it impossible to evade the memories of the little girl.

Carter mentioned to a friend that he could not lift the girl for the fear of transmitting the disease. Puzzled about the fate of the toddler and several others dying in Sudan, Carter killed himself leaving behind a note "I am haunted by the vivid memories of killing and corpses and anger and pain".

Perceived to be a resilient tribe, journalists, at time can be a vulnerable lot. Correspondents remain the key link to bring harsh news to the common people. They end up coming face to face with the most disturbing piece of news. A journalist reporting from Ground Zero remains a spectator to the gore in unfortunate incidents such as war, rape, communal violence or a natural calamity as earthquake, floods and more.

That reminds me of a senior editor who broke down in the newsroom listening to the brutality meted out to the braveheart raped on December 16, 2012 in New Delhi. Another colleague-a reporter tracking Nirbhaya case, would find it difficult to start hitting the keyboard after spending hours in the hospital. She would stare at the computer screen, brushing aside the haunting images of Nirbhaya's painful battle only to compose herself to meet the deadlines. A hotshot TV reporter back from Nepal after covering the recent deadly earthquake in the tiny nation, is still popping sleeping pills to evade the recurring images of bodies buried in the debris and weeping victims.

That's the test of a thorough professional; we learnt in the journalism schools. The grim realities can take over the psych of the most seasoned journalists at times. A study by Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ), conducted on 140 war correspondents revealed 28.6 per cent of them faced post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) while 21.4 per cent of them slipped into depression while 14.3 per cent got into substance abuse.

Alas not many people know about this side of the journalists and at times gift them with monikers such as "Presstitutes".