Women must stop looking down upon widows, divorcees

Women not allowed.

That’s the slogan that most women have heard for centuries. Women not allowed. To vote or visit dargahs, clubs or temples, play sports, enrol in schools or the Army - the list goes on. But we have fought them all and, recently, with women breaking a 400-year-old tradition at the male bastion of Shani Shingnapur temple, we have finally been able to let the world know that women cannot be banned from any place.

But what happens in our own society? Aren’t we banning women from certain auspicious things in our own way?

Recently, I was part of a group that was discussing a 16-day puja where the woman performing the puja had to give a certain amount of fruits to different women every day. I mentioned a young mother’s name and was immediately shot down by a friend who said, “No! She’s a widow. It doesn’t make sense to give to her. It won’t count.”

I was shocked. I asked why it was so inauspicious to offer fruits to her.

“Because a puja is about the culture of giving and receiving blessings. What blessings would a widow be able to give?”

Widows were meant to stick together and do pujas. Not mingle freely with married women. They were a bit of a curse.

The conversation went on to become a heated discussion in which I vehemently opposed the thought but no matter what I could not change the other person’s point of view.

Many weeks later, I was invited by a friend for a religious function. I was surrounded by couples and their children - the only divorced woman there.

This was the first time I was invited for an auspicious occasion. I brought a big present and greeted my friend happily.

Also read: Shani Shingnapur temple ending 400-year-old bias against women is a big win

But I overheard, “What is she doing here? Isn’t she divorced? What blessings is she going to give the girl? To live her life independently and not think about the welfare of her husband or family?”

I finally understood why I haven’t been invited for so many other occasions. It wasn’t because I didn’t believe in Indian rituals (most of which I don’t). It was because a divorced woman or a widow wasn’t really welcome in a group of happily married couples. The widow and I were inauspicious.

In a country where tradition, rituals, customs and sanskars hold such an important value that they overtake logic, reasoning and feeling, how can women ever be allowed into sacred territories? The Varanasi widows weren’t even allowed to play Holi.

There is something suspicious about divorced women and widows. It’s like in the olden days when a woman wasn’t allowed in the kitchen because she was menstruating. She was simply not holy then. We have chosen not to be holy today by not binding ourselves to a marriage or not remarrying after the death of a husband.

But then if your husband has died, you are already besmirched with the tag that the woman is unlucky! So for her to even date, find happiness, remarry and be invited to an auspicious occasion would take the herculean task of overthrowing patriarchy, and deep-rooted chauvinistic notions and judgements about her character.

Also read: Life without a man for a woman

God forbid she doesn’t wear white and actually dresses up, has a drink and a smoke once in a while, it won’t be the men who will be shocked, it will be other educated, liberated women!

As a divorced woman, in this evolving society, there are a few people who understand your choices. Just a few. But then a successful, independent, arrogant, funny, woman living on her own terms is frowned upon. She is kept away from the husband at all costs.

Recently, I needed to call a man to help him with a business proposal that I thought would be good for him. I stated to his wife, “Can you please ask him from my side? I don’t have any husband’s numbers.”

She replied, “Good good. Don’t keep only.”

So I realised that until we divorcees and widows state it, we will not be allowed anywhere. There are only five ways we can break the inauspicious curse:

1.      To all wives out there – no matter how handsome and successful your man is, we don’t want him unless he wants us. And we will never make the first move. We have too much self-respect to do so.

2.      All women are equal. Just because you have a husband and family doesn’t mean that we’re lesser than you. Give, invite, welcome, accept, understand and love each woman equally and you’ll get that back from a dynamic woman as well.

3.      Don’t look down upon women from your pedestal. One day you might be one of them.

4.      If you don’t want the blessings of love, nurturing, experience, abundance, security, intelligence, dignity, honour, and respect to your home, child or an auspicious occasion, don’t invite a widow or divorced woman. Because that’s what she will bless you with!

5.      Please keep your views to yourself so you don’t pass it onto your children who will be laughed at for being regressive and old-fashioned if they follow in your footsteps same tomorrow.

Hopefully, we won’t need to resort to high-voltage activism to change the thinking of women in our society. Hopefully, the realisation shall come from within.