Bharat Mata used to be fair and lovely, now she's dark and disturbing

"Bharat Mata ki jai"... "Vande Mataram"... goosebumps on August 15. Rinse. Repeat. January 26... goosebumps. This is how we grew up.

Every time the tri-colour unfurled, every time the "Jana Gana Mana" was sung in schools, in the neighbourhood. Nationalism was a part of conditioning. Never questioned.

Why then does the current scenario in India feel so nauseating? When did the drumbeating sounds suddenly begin to hurt the eardrums? Why does the saffron colour look so suspicious?

Also read: All it takes is cricket in India to prove nationalism

What is the essential difference between "Where the mind is without fear", and the slogan of "azadi"? Why is the former adored (or was it a ceremonial ritual) and the latter scorned at?

On one hand, the HRD minister claims of motherly love for the victim of caste equations and administrative interference, showing readiness to offer her head on the feet of the parliamentarians if proven wrong. On the other hand, a yoga guru vows of beheading those who do not say "Bharat mata ki Jai", were it not for the law of the land.

Also read - Bure din for Bharat Mata: Ramdev the rakshas wants to cut heads off

The chief minister of a drought-hit state too joins the bandwagon, saying that those who don't chant the slogan should not be allowed to live in India. In the same state, an MLA is suspended from the Assembly for refusing to say the same.

A courier guy is bashed for not saying it. Poor guy (literally, since the poor often become easy targets of such shenanigans) mustn't have seen it coming.

Where is all this leading, rather misleading us? Who is this Bharat Mata, inciting violent dialogues and actions among people?

She definitely isn't the lady whom we saw pictured in the movies preaching religious tolerance, framed on the walls of the educational institutions or paraded in the endless cultural festivals as a little girl wearing a white saree and holding the Indian flag.

Why has she become so insecure that she needs to be reassured of love and devotion on a regular basis? "Desh bhakti" is a term which has gathered a lot of traction these days.

Being an NRI makes it doubly difficult to even discuss these issues. Suddenly you are an outsider. Tired of being called an alien in a new country, you are called by the same name in your country of birth.

Also read: Bharat Mata is thirsty. No water for her, Fadnavis?

The very friends who would laugh at you for stopping in the middle of the road every time the national anthem or its tune ran on loudspeakers, (a frequent occurrence during the time of Kargil war) go eerily quiet when you want to express your opinion on an issue on your visit back "home".

Some things just stick to you, like pollen on the hairy feet of a bee. Nationalism is probably one of them. It annoys you when Indians in a foreign country don't stand up for the national anthem (well that was past, now nobody dares not stand up, even outside India). It makes you cheer for the Indian cricket team, wherever you are in the world.

There is a Hindu temple where we currently live. Most religious and cultural events are celebrated at the venue. Apparently, the Indian Independence Day is also celebrated there every year. Though I don't necessarily like attending the event, for the way it is celebrated, I still attend it as there is no other choice.

The Indian community gathers. The kids hold miniature versions of the Indian and American flags. The mayor of the city is invited to unfurl the Indian tricolour, along with the American "star-spangled" flag. I gulp my misgivings every year just for a glimpse of my "tiranga".

Also read: India has no time for 'Bharat Mata ki jai'

Seriously, it feels as if it's one kid’s birthday, and another one wants to cut the birthday cake too. Hello, you have your own "Fourth of July", don't you!

Well if anyone is to be blamed, it should be the organisers of the program, obviously Indian. This year, among the usual chants of "Bharat Mata ki jai", somebody volunteered to be innovative and started chanting "America Mata ki jai" (picture the Statue of Liberty). I couldn't take it anymore and we left mid-program, not to return.

But these days "nationalism" has started to make me uncomfortable. It is something I don't want to be associated with, just another "ism".

Convenient, many would say, living away from India. Even eminent scholars and people from the media have begun looking down on our lot, which is surprising, as they don't hesitate once before lauding the Sunita Williams and Manjul Bhargavas. Migrations have happened and will continue to happen and not all of them are opportunistic and selfish.

Nevertheless, nationalism these days is bordering on jingoism, and the forcible insistence on "Bharat Mata ki jai" could make you put your foot down like a stubborn toddler and just refuse to obey.

When my husband asked our daughter the other day, "Are you Indian or American?", she answered, "I am Marathican" (our mother tongue being Marathi).

J Krishnamurti said, "When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence. So a man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind."

I am glad that our kids have lost identities and a confused belonging.