Why most Indian drivers are potential killers

It was on 3rd of June last year when news of death of one BJP's tallest Maratha leaders and Union minister Gopinath Munde shook the ruling party and country alike. He was killed in a car accident, just days after taking oath as the rural development and panchayati raj minister of Modi government.

Much is being debated today on the NDA government's proposed Road Safety and Highway Bill 2014, on Munde's first death anniversary.

Road transport minister Nitin Gadkari has way passed his self-imposed deadlines of legislating it. Following Munde's death, he promised within a month the country would have a new road safety law at par with advanced countries. Then, the Winter session of Parliament was the new deadline. And tareekh pey tareekh followed with Budget session as the next goalpost.

But not only has the goal not been scored even after a whole year, the goalpost, too, has been shifted, meanwhile. Activists accuse the government of diluting the stringent provisions of the bill which were meant to crack down upon harsh, negligent and drunken driving. With an average of 377 roads deaths on a daily basis, India has an unenviable track record across the world.

While the government is being pulled up for its undelivered promise, it is time to also accept that legislations and road maintenance will simply not end road deaths and accidents because we are an uncivilised society. There, I said it.

Having travelled abroad frequently, I have always been impressed with the traffic etiquette that western societies exhibit and which Indians follow diligently only so long as they are on foreign land. Homecoming for Indians is always about going back to gross traffic violations and that sense of "sab chalta hai".

Once, while wrapping up my late evening show in Kyoto, Japan, I was most amazed to see a cab standing quietly behind the pedestrian crossing. The driver waited patiently for the signal to go green at an absolutely empty crossing at one in the night! The normal Indian reaction to such a driver in Delhi would have been: "Madman! Who does that? (Abuse follows)".

So while you join the various "Road Safety Drives" today in spirit, here is my list of daily serial offences on the roads committed by everyone of us: from vehicle drivers to pedestrians to traffic cops. Will the real street offenders please stand up and perhaps say mea culpa?

Drivers or wrestlers?

1. Roads are a video game. So, you go zigzag. Forget indicators.
2. Accelerate the car to a 120kmph and above if you spot the traffic signal about to go red, instead of slowing down.
3. Even when you have been forced to stop, you screech with your clenched teeth and stand on or beyond the zebra line.
4. If you are behind the zebra line, you keep inching forward till you have crossed it before the signal is green.
5. On a signal, while waiting for the red light to go green, you keep moving to the extreme lane so that you do not end up allowing right of way to cars from other end heading to your direction.
6. Honk at vehicles in front even before the red light has turned green. Apparently, that turns vehicles into helicopters.
7. Honk, honk and honk and then honk some more. Great for blood pressure.
8. Bikers may care for their own heads, but the pillion riders matter less. Those lesser mortals can do without helmets.
9. Autos and two-wheelers are street hawks. Can bang on bumpers of four-wheelers as if it were a fundamental right. And squeeze in between lanes.
10. Need directions, so park bang in the middle of the lane without turning the hazard lights on.
11. And if you did switch the parking lights on as you moved to the left lane, just wait for the car behind you to abuse you for slowing down in the first place!
12. Overtake the car in front from the left lane even with right lane available.
13. And the car on the right lane can well choose to simply head out to enjoy the morning breeze at a speed of 40kmph, without allowing right of way.
14. Stars, please drink and drive and throw tantrums when asked to take a breathalyser.
15. Of course, if you are a superstar, you need not worry about sentences.

Pedestrians: the holy cows!

1. Rule A: You are a pedestrian in India? Oh, you are forever the innocent victim!
2. Wait to cross the street just when the light has gone green for vehicular traffic.
3. Don't just cross alone when the light is red for the pedestrian, but be the leader for an entire crowd delegation at peak hours of traffic intersection.
4. Cross while you chit chat on mobile phones, forever trusting the driving skills of others.
5. Do not ever use the zebra crossings. Jay-walking is India's biggest sport.
6. Who uses subways, foot over-bridges? Government should stop wasting tax payers' money on them.
7. Violate pedestrian crossing norms not just when you are uneducated, but also when you are educated and affluent.
8. Schoolchildren, especially boys, hurriedly cross the road with an expression of having conquered the world. And yes, please do leer at the female drivers as you do so.
9. Please make sure to not step on to the footpath and give way to the vehicle behind you. Cars must burn more diesel and petroleum to save the environment.
10. Don't back down even when a car is reversing. If you collide with the beast, refer to Rule A..

Traffic cops? Ahaha!

1. Be pro-active in issuing challans during month ends.
2. When you find one fat hen, make sure there are six of you to feast on it while dozens of other vehicles overspeed at that same crossing.
3. DTC and state-run buses are meant to blatantly jump signals. Stay calm. Ignorance is bliss.
4. When a traffic intersection is bursting at the seams, with drivers checking their boot space for hockey sticks, find a shaded secluded spot, Get on the phone or simply "Breathe In, Breathe Out".
5. Place two barricades on a busy street, slowing down traffic a notch further, and sit and chat with colleagues at one corner without even glancing at who all are passing by.
6. When asked to intervene, make sure to look down upon the female driver and prejudge she must be the guilty party.
7. Never ever be strict with an offending pedestrian. Pedestrians are Aam Aadmis. The common man is always innocent.
8. Reach an accident spot only after the victim has given up hope.
9. And when you do reach the spot, harass as much as possible any samaritan willing to help.
10. And yes if you are in a PCR van, you can take U-turns wherever you want. Rules are meant to be broken!