We're stuck between an irresponsible Aamir and a sycophant Pahlaj

Recently, there were two events that consumed the nation and the Twitterati. One was Aamir Khan saying on TV in the presence of Union finance minister Arun Jaitley that his (Aamir's) wife Kiran Rao is scared for their kids and talks about leaving the country given India's current environment of intolerance.

The other was about Pahlaj Nihalani cutting down the kissing scene in Spectre. Both boo boos? To main kya karoon?

See, I've been in the *** and, therefore, I'm not reading newspapers or going on the social media mode last few days. Except, of course, to post pictures of pink happy flowers or click likes on cute baby videos or wish people happy birthday.

Because I can't deal with the onslaught of negativity that our virtual world drowns us under on Twitter, or watch any more air-kissing pictures of the champagne charades, or the ladies who lunch in high-octane parades on Facebook. So this news - or rather the above two bits of news - Aamir and Pahlaj - came to me for one reason only. The incessant calls of the television channels for a sound bite. Happens every time the intolerance talk happens - especially after my last column "Dear BJP, I'm Hindu and I reject your Hindutva". As the phone keeps ringing, I've to pick it up at some point.

Yes, yes, I know. Everybody is so outraged. In fact, November 24, 2015 should be declared National Trolls Day. Such an outpouring of rage! So much hate! All towards Aamir and his lack of deshbhakti, and Pahlaj Nihalaini and his sense of misplaced sanskriti.

Never mind that "World War III" has started at the borders of Asia and Europe, Chennai is drowning in our very own backyard and many more life-changing events are occurring around the world. But Bollywood always rules amongst its starstruck fools. Media must be used as a more responsible tool, someone has gotta change the rules. So the debate starts. How could Aamir say he's thinking of leaving the country with his wife ya? I mean Aamir has earned everything from India na, kyon jayega? Is he a deshdrohi or what? From bechara to ***tiya, expletives flowed freely. Jaayega to kahan jayega? Syria, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia?

Nahin, nahin ya. You've seen his wife Kiran's dress sense, na? So chic and sexy! As if she'll wear a burqa. How can she ya? She's so posh. I've heard that in some of those countries women are not allowed to wear glasses either so they can't see how oppressed their lives are. It's compulsory for them to go naturally blind or they are beheaded. Kiran wears glasses and she made that really intellectual film Dhobhi Ghaat ya. They'll stone her to death if she says she wants to make another movie and drive alone in the car without her husband. So, it's gotta be a non-burqa place na for India's superstar and his family filled with despondency for India's growing sense of intolerance. Despondency? Really? Such a strong word Aamir? BJP bhakts were volunteering to get Aamir and his family's visas to anywhere he wants to go. Even a one-way ticket to the moon.

I, of course, had my two cents on the Aamir Khan intolerance row too. That an actor of Aamir Khan's experience, stature and calibre will not make a statement that he did not intend to make, so in that sense he has said it deliberately. So if he says his wife Kiran talks to him of leaving India because of the rising intolerance, it was a plotted, planted and deliberately-made statement. For maximum impact. Hey everyone has a right to speak and have an opinion, so why not Aamir?

But in my view, for someone who is the brand ambassador of Incredible India, who stands for "Atithi Devo Bhava", it was a damaging thing to say. And also a cowardly and unpatriotic thing to say. If he thought something is so wrong as to cause "despondency", why would he want to run away? Why not stay back and fix it? Herogiri khatam?

For an icon of his stature who has the power to influence vulnerable minds, it was an irresponsible thing to say. Of course, if it provokes debate and pushes the agenda (as it already has) of fuelling the fear psychosis that is already gripping India in the wake of beef ban, sedition charges, Kalburgi murder and the Hindutva project etc etc. So, it's a job well done.

On this very show, I got ticked off by a rather smug marm Shivani Wazir Pasricha, who called me militant and in the same breath went into raptures extolling Aamir Khan's great virtues, his humanitarianism and great acting etc etc. Aamir's views on terrorism, nationalism and every other whataboutism. Nothing to do with his statement about thinking about leaving India which we all on the TV panel were in fact debating... she couldn't stop praising Amir. Stardom is a potent thing. It's why stars need to be responsible in what they say, I tried to say. But she wasn't listening.

Sychophants seldom do. Listen to anyone that is. Except to their masters. Chamchagiri is becoming the new Indian epidemic. Which is why Aamir's statement condemning rising intolerance is an important one. However, damaging it is to the national image.

As for the second headline: Pahlaj Nihalini, our censor board chief, thought it fit to cut 20 odd seconds of a kiss in James Bond's new outing Spectre and explained his action with the following question: "Will you have sex with your doors open?"

So much censorship in the land of the Kamasutra and Khajuraho? Really? Why? Isn't he the same man who produced movies with songs like Khada hai khada hai and Main maal gaadi, tu dhakka laga with uterous-damaging pelvic thrusts trying to pass off as dance moves? And that famous movie still of Shola aur Shabnam with actor Govinda looking up a woman's skirt with her legs astride? Don't believe me? Here it is.

And then there's this one from Aankhen - remember this?

So, in Mr Pahlaj Nihalani's movies, it was okay to have vulgar display of convoluted coitus - but kissing? My God, no no! Not allowed. Against Bhartiya sansktriti, you see. Totally not allowed. Bhakt wale morcha nikaal denge.

In India, it is apparently okay to piss in public. But not kiss in public. Violence is allowed, rapes are allowed, but holding hands? No way. Kissing - chee chee. Sex is a sin. Babies are born from the bowels of mother earth or Shiva's matted hair you see. There's no such thing as kissing or sex. That is all dirty Western imagination corrupting our pure Indian culture. Porn is India's Lochness monster, na?

Mr Pahlaj Nihalani also made the "Har Ghar Modi" election campaign, and one more. His new tribute to Modi played during the screening of Prem Ratan Dhan Paayo in theatres. Haven't seen the new offering but heard it's infected with the sycophancy disease too. His position as censor board chief to eternity has further been sealed I'm told. Even national riots will not dislodge him from his throne.

Similar to another Modi bhakt Gajendra Chauhan's election campaign video comparing Narendra Modi to Shri Ram, no? Works the same way in most industries.

Fair enough. That's the way things work sometimes. I have no problem with people trying to hold on to jobs, deserving or not.

What is, however, alarming to me is the brainwash, this admiration and sycophancy has caused in the minds of these people who believe they are extolling their leader Narendra Modi's vision of India. Of Bhartiya sanskriti.

Is this a regressive ideology which Narendra Modi wants for India as he propels us into the future? Full throttle with the power of a juggernaut? Industry, roads, toilet, trains, telecom: giant leaps in every sphere. Claps, claps, claps. No doubt there will be money pouring in. Glory and riches will be India's. But where are the minds and the hearts headed?

Why are the likes of Sadhvi Prachi allowed a ticket and given public platforms to spew their poisonous venomous bile? Why is the BJP MLA from Alwar, Rajasthan, who said that sexual harassment arises from the fact that schoolgirls wearing skirts inevitably draw attention from mischievous elements while on the way to and from school, not banned from your party?

Or Madhya Pradesh BJP leader Kailash Vijayvargiya, who said that women are to blame for rape, giving the example of "Sita Haran" in the Ramayan,  not expelled? Women who step out of their boundaries are bound to get into trouble he says. Really? And he dosen't for speaking such drivel? Why? When BJP leader Vichitra Tomar pops up with a statement saying "We also demand legal action against those people, who are engaged in cow slaughter as it is hurting Hindu sentiments", why is he not expelled? And given lessons in media management?

Why are prominent party-post-holders not being stopped from saying and performing such flagrant and pernicious words that end up creating this fear psychosis in our country? Don't Narendra Modi's as well as the top BJP leadership's silence on the matter imply their acquiescence?

So, who do we believe Mr Narendra Modi - you? Your vision of a strong robust egalitarian India? Or the likes of your Haryana chief minister Manohar Lal Khattar who syays, "If women want freedom, why don't they just roam around naked?"

We want to do that "Selfie with Daughter" like you suggested and pay that Swachh Bharat cess and ride the golden elephant with you =to India's sublime future, dear Prime Minister. But for that you need to rein in your army of clowns and bigots.

God speed. India loves you. Now please love us back.