Why I don't want to be a 'good' Indian girl

There is something about the Indian society and its obsession with good girls. We almost tell young girls that if you are silent and giving you are good. And then, you are loved. In short, we tell young girls that you are loved, when you are good. And good means you are nice, polite and giving. If you were growing up in the '90s, this was the lesson.

Now those were the lessons I grew up on. But then good girls are not taught that boundaries are to be drawn. Basically good girls are there for everyone and she is loved by everyone. That was what I thought good girls were. Popular media was of no help either. I must have been in Class 4 when I watched Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.

Madhuri Dixit was the girl I wanted to be. She never spoke out when she had to marry her brother-in-law. She accepted. But then she was the nice, good girl, whom everyone loved, so finally the dog helped her. In gist if you are the good girl, things finally worked for you. You are always under that grace. But you have to be "good enough".

Now, this was what the society taught little girls then, which is changing now in bits. Also, when I graduated from Madhuri to Kajol in DDLJ, Raj who is the epitome of a dream lover, wants Simran to be the good daughter and not to disobey Babuji. He not only insists upon it, but makes sure that he won't marry her until Babuji agrees. So good girls stay silent, are kind and good and they are finally given it all, as they stay good. So, if you are good, you will finally get what you desire. So, to deserve you have to be good. That is the subtle message that little girls learnt.

So, when these little girls grow up and things don't work out as it did for Madhuri Dixit, it induces guilt of not being good enough. Culturally we are a very guilt inducing society. I am yet to meet a man or woman who is not guilty of something or the other. And guilt has never ever done any good to the society. It induces the need to be punished. And robs away an individual of self love. Thus leaving a self violating individual and a violent society.

Haven't we created an extremely violent society? We need a reason to be angry. Now that we have social media, we will spur more venom, because it gives us the advantage of anonymity. Everyone is so angry these days and no one seems to listen. We are all in a reactive mode. Yes, that's where we reduced a generation to.

Now, it so happened that I was the nice girl. There was a time, if someone would be angry or leave me, I would take that as a personal failure. I was educated in one of the premier institution of India. But to let go of conditioning takes time. I remember, it was the third year of college and I was in love with an emotionally unavailable boy. And when he treated me badly, I cried to my friend that all I wanted was to be a good girl. My question was, was I not good enough to be loved or to be treated well. That what conditioning does.

Now, I have come a long way. I realised that if someone is behaving crazy, it is their problem, I need to walk away. Recently it so happened that I was becoming bitter and angry by the day. But then I was the good girl who would still pick up the phone and listen to your woes, even when my editor would be fuming over a deadline. But then good girls always help. Don't they? Oh! I forgot to mention here, if you have a toothache or heartache, you can call me anytime. I will give you two straight hours. But the truth is I resented things so much, but I will be there smiling with faked calmness.  

It's a great thing to be there for friends. You love them and they too. But we need to understand that not all love is healthy. We have put love in the highest pedestal. But no one ever teaches us, that love is like food, not all kinds will nurture you. But culturally, a good woman is supposed to accommodate all. Have you noticed how much we celebrate the silent suffering women? We love the woman who gives up everything.

Sacrifice should be her synonym.

We worship Sita, but she was banished by her own husband, she suffered immensely for no fault of her own. Finally she just asks mother earth to take her away. Mind it, Sita never asks anything from Ram. She even gives the agni pariksha. In gist she had to prove her worth, and that circle of a woman needing to prove herself still continues. As if just by being ourselves is never enough. We are all fighting being too thin, too fat, too loud, too bossy and may be, we are all running the race of proving ourselves good enough, like Sita did, when she took the Agni Pariksha. Sita started it and tragically, we all are paying till date.

We criticise Ekta Kapoor for her regressive serials, for the Tulsi and Parvati she created. But let's face it, she nailed our mentalities on the screen. Ekta Kapoor did not bring in the sacrificial woman, she was always there on the pedestal, Ekta just got them back in our living rooms.

Coming back to me, now that I am not the quintessential good girl, I have drawn new boundaries. I refused the discomfort some people brought with them.  I stopped being accommodating. Also, we are taught not to be vocal about our needs. Though girls are equally educated these days, you don't find many women negotiating salaries. That's cultural conditioning. You don't ask too much. You don't become the greedy women.

So my life was like sitting in a well laid tea party. It looked so perfect. I looked so pretty. But then, it was dinner time, I was craving for a full meal. No matter how well the cookies and pastries were served, it was dinner time, I was hungry. But then, I never knew to walk out of something so comfortable, because my needs were different or growing. I still kept on the same table. I was angry, I was bitter and I was agonizing myself, until I stood up and said that I need to go.

Walking away from something that was supposedly for you, will raise a few eyebrows. And when you have always let people in and you suddenly shut a few doors, it will invite some conflict. When you are the so called good woman, you are always there for others, even when they are being toxic to you. So, when you draw boundaries and claim your space, many people who enjoyed the privilege of your space will be angry. When you ask and assert who you are after years and years of accommodating others, people will be angry, not because they care about you, they are basically angry at losing their privilege which they took for granted.

We are not very used to see, women who are assertive, rich, successful and are unapologetic about anything. In this country being a woman itself is a sign of apology. So, when you see a woman speaking out, making her presence felt and not asking for your permission, she is mostly called crazy, bitch or a witch.

Sometime back, someone proposed me marriage. I politely refused. The so-called gentleman called me a book-hugging feminist, whose mind is ruined by some crazy women and a few crazy editors, who publish my work for time-pass. Also, I was this crazy, lonely girl who would sit in her room alone and write whatever stories she felt like writing.

I just laughed as I walked out of the restaurant. He was trying to sell me shame and guilt and as I was no more the good woman, I had nothing to prove, I just walked with my head held high to a sense of freedom and joy I never knew before.

I thanked the stars, that I am no more the good woman!