Let’s settle the debate. What is the best way to clean yourself after taking a dump?

In a tweet that has been doing its rounds over the internet, a French company allegedly warned its employees against using water to clean themselves in toilets. 

The notice reads “"It is the French custom to only use toilet paper, then wash your hands… Anyone caught in the toilets with a bottle or cup of water will be severely punished"

What has forever been the subject of intense (and often heated) discussion, we take a quick look at some of the many ways from around the world in which people clean up after themselves after dropping a deuce…

The Bidet

Contrary to what the aforementioned French company may suggest, an interesting contraption called a bidet is the customary butt-cleaning method in France. The bidet is like a little sink situated un-strategically besides the commode which requires you to get up and waddle over towards it to wash after you’re done with your business. If it sounds inefficient, that’s because it truly is.

The Bum Gun

The toilet culture in most Southeast Asian societies is primarily water-based. Therefore, you’re likely to find a little hand-spray or “bum gun” besides the commode in Thai bathrooms. The pistol-like apparatus is a miniature garden hose for your butt, spraying a stream of trigger-activated water to give one the best wash.

TP

Sworn by most Western societies from around the world as the most efficient means to wash yourself after pooping (even though it most certainly isn’t), wiping oneself with toilet paper seems to do the trick for a lot of people it seems. The Western preoccupation with toilet paper comes off as absurd for superior water-washing countries and understandably so. There is no way a sheet of paper does a better job at cleaning than a stream of water.

The Mug

A practice most observed in countries around the Indian subcontinent, the customary mug full of water for a wash is a testament to the inherent class differences that come with something as rudimentary as cleaning up after a poo. Although a decent portion of people swear by its efficiency, especially complementing the squat-style toilets, it most certainly does not come off as the most hygienic of methods for a wash. 

JAPAN

Like most other arenas of daily routine, it comes as no surprise that the Japanese have perfected the craft of post-turd cleanliness as well. Japanese toilets possess levels of intellect and features advanced enough to dwarf the latest iPhone. Not only do they leave your bum spotless, Japanese toilets have front and back nozzles, temperature control, water pressure control, air deodorizers, heated seats, white noise generators, warm air dryers and even bum massagers. AND they are fully automated. 

Though toilet practices from around the world are often a reflection of their economic status, it seems fair to suggest that Japanese toilets are beyond comparison and leaps and bounds ahead of Western TP users. At the end of the day, water-washers reign supreme and that remains the undeniable truth.