For gender diversity to work in India, equal opportunity must begin at school

Last Saturday, our family celebrated Pongal. As my daughter and I returned from a friend's house in our apartment complex, we saw a group of boys - most of them about a year or two older than my daughter - playing jump rope (helicopter style) using a long, plastic stick.

My daughter was keen on joining them, but hesitated, saying, "They are boys, playing a boys' game."

I encouraged her to at least ask them to take her in the game, but had to eventually step in and request them. Predictably, their first response was to tell me she was a girl and they were all boys. Second, they said she would get hurt since they were wearing shoes while she was in her sandals.

Third, they said it was a boys' game. I proceeded to dispel all these preconceived notions ("girls can play with boys, nothing wrong in that", "if she gets hurt, she will anyways leave the game, at least give her a chance," "No. You are actually playing a game girls have traditionally played in many countries. This is a form of jump rope.") and they allowed her to join the game, albeit reluctantly.

As the game unfolded, I couldn't help but marvel at the similarities between the dynamics in the play area and a corporate meeting. I also happened upon the revelation that, perhaps, companies would be unable to solve the "problem" of gender diversity simply because they were looking at the wrong data points.

1. They chose to ignore my daughter: No one asked for her name and she was too overwhelmed to introduce herself. They proceeded to play, pausing now and then to make remarks to each other. For instance, "That girl is standing outside the circle. She is out and hence can't play." One or two boys repeatedly told her to "get closer to the rope".

My daughter remained a little uncomfortable and ended up losing the first round itself - three times in a row. Sounds familiar? How many times have you attended a meeting where women have been in the majority? How many times have you heard a woman's voice giving inputs in a meeting? I can count the number of occasions on my fingers.

Are women so overwhelmed at the prospect of joining an elite group (whether it is becoming managers, or senior managers or board members) that we don't know what to do once we get there? Would things have changed if my daughter had introduced herself?

I don't know. I suspect not. The boys would have brushed her aside saying "that's fine. Let us play".

2. She claimed they were cheating to deliberately get her out: After losing three times straight, my daughter said she wanted to go home because she couldn't win.

I told her it wasn't about winning, but gaining a new experience - seeing how boys play and gaining confidence that she is no less. She complained saying no one listened to her and that they were cheating to get her out of the game. Perhaps, I should have sympathised and moved on. But I didn't and told her I didn't see anyone cheating.

If she wasn't being heard, she needed to raise her voice and make her presence felt. I realised I sounded uncannily similar to the HR head at one of my previous employers - blind to the reality that a woman's self-respect / inhibitions may not allow her to forcibly do something she doesn't want to - even if it was perfectly legal /ethical.

The solution? Better preparation to up your own game and the courage to point out if rules were being changed. I've seldom seen this done in my 11-year career in corporate India. I have followed this policy only for the last two years - growing a thick skin and pointing out when corporate agendas and time are hijacked by personal wishlists and egos.

3. She asked me if she could bring a friend to join her in the game: She lost the fourth game in the second round and I felt she was improving.

Instead, she came to me again, this time to ask if she could bring her friend Aditi to join her. I told her the friend could have joined the game on her own had she been at the spot, and that there was no need to personally call on Aditi.

My fear was that the boys would come up with another rationale to keep her out once she returned with her friend. Worse, they could conclude the game and move on to other things, when my daughter had just started improving her performance. She went back to join the game. Later I thought, what if Aditi did join the game?

Would she have made a difference or would she too be a mute follower of the game? Or, what if she had refused to join, considering the prospect of playing with boys? In the corporate set-up, while we are pushing for having more women in the room, does it make a difference, if they are still in a minority? I have often seen groups of women huddled together taking notes (or pretending to) while the men have chaired and run meetings.

In one case, I saw a roomful of women letting the only man in the meeting call the shots, without even a cursory response, disagreement or protest. They merely nodded, drank their teas and left the meeting.

Ironically, the topic of discussion was "improving gender diversity". The original agenda was to have women share their perspective on what could be done.

4. She said she was feeling uncomfortable: After the sixth game, my daughter complained her sandals were not helping her win. Neither was the long traditional paavadai-blouse outfit she was wearing.

When my daughter usually makes such remarks, I know she has reached a level of desperation and will not cooperate with me. I told her off asking, "how come this wasn't an issue when you joined the game?"

I told her to play barefoot and see if it made a difference. She went back for one last game and one of the boys told her,"The real problem is your paavadai (skirt). It's so long we can't see when the stick hits your leg. You still want to play?"

That did it. She said "No" and came back to me. I didn't push her and prepared to leave. Most women in corporate India feel no different - trapped in a mix of being unprepared for the occasion, either mentally or physically.

Will the men treat you any differently if you show up in a pant-suit for a meeting, aligning with their trouser-shirt outfit? We don't know. Will you feel better? Women alone can answer these questions. What about subject matter expertise? Can you hold your own when faced with public criticism? I am not sure I can either.

Some of my articles have received adverse comments and I still find it disconcerting to address them, even though I stand by my position.

Incidentally, the "do you still want to play?" line is used very conveniently to discourage women when the return from maternity leave, or face work-life balance issues due post marriage or tend to ailments in the family; even when they are being considered for promotions.

As we were leaving, a fight broke out and one boy hit another. Immediately, the group split into two taking sides and running out of the play area, possibly anticipating a full-fledged fight.

The issue - the boy who had provided the plastic stick for the game wasn't given a chance to wield it and he first cried (Yes. Cried. My daughter pointed saying "Mamma, a boy is crying." I said, "Yeah, they are also human.") and then hit the other boy in a fit of anger.

5. They don't like me: As we walked home, she said: "Mamma, they don't like me. Why did they not let me play with them?"

I told her, it was their game and their rules. Boys could be loud, rough and a bit insensitive. If she wanted to change that, she would have to make an extra effort.

She argued saying the boys were all friends and they sided with one another. I pointed to two boys who had chosen not to join the gang fight and were walking off to play something else.

She could join them if she wanted, I said. She refused. I also told her that in the real world too men run the show, because women don't challenge or "add value" (a very clichéd term) that men can appreciate. She immediately said, "Dadda is not like that."

Yes, not all men may be like that and women, therefore, need to side with those in the corporate world who are sympathetic to their cause, provided women too are prepared for the long haul.

One may argue that none of what is mentioned in this article as corporate concerns for Indian women is new. I agree that the issues in themselves have prevailed since the time women joined the workforce - not just in India but in countries the world over, but the root cause for the concerns is becoming fairly clear.

A marked difference in parenting girls versus boys is resulting in subconscious biases where anything girly or used by girls is perceived as being anti-boy.

Girls are perceived to be weaker - physically and mentally - and expected to follow instructions and not argue with boys. Such behaviour, over time, can be extremely difficult to change and one may even justify it as "societal norm".

If corporate India needs to tackle its gender diversity issue, it may need to start at the school level. Maybe investing in a long term workshop where boys and girls frequently interact in real-life situations and see for themselves how neither is inferior to the other may help build the right set of inclusive behaviours necessary in corporate life.