Child sexual abuse: On bittersweet laughter

I have been meeting with women survivors of child sexual abuse.

Their stories give me hope. They inspire me when I sometimes cannot face another day. When I tire from the drudgery of yet another relationship limping to its inevitable end.

But of late, talking to male survivors has added a new dimension. The connection feels immediate, and real. And blindingly powerful in a way that I cannot yet fathom.

The first such encounter took place in early June in the Mediterranean. He had read my profile on the web. He told me that he had been abused as a child up till his teenage years.

I looked at him. "Well, at least you're married," I said, as if that was some consolation. I ache for a deep connection, I ache for unconditional love.

"Yeah, I still don't know how that happened. I still have issues with intimacy."

We talked some more, and shared a laugh. The memory of our meeting sears.

Yesterday, I talked to a male survivor in the US, our first conversation. We had been introduced by a friend.

"I'm still trying to learn, not to put up barriers, not to pick emotionally unavailable men. Not to be over the top and learning to calibrate my behaviour, to respond to others. To learn to take and not just give, give, give," I sighed.

"Yes," his voice was reassuring. "I have a similar experience too. I'm learning not to go for emotionally unavailable people. It's always like, after a while: 'Eww... You too?'"

We laughed. How bittersweet.

But shared laughter - what balm for the soul.

Read part 13 here.

Read part 12 here.

Read part 11 here.

Read part ten here.

Read part nine here.

Read part eight here.

Read part seven here.

Read part six here.

Read part five here.

Read part four here.

Read part three here.

Read part two here.

Read part one here.