Child sexual abuse: On Mama's love

As I reposed on my back in the savasana or "corpse pose" during yoga class, all I could think about was the ever-tightening ball of fear in the pit of my stomach.

I had just signed a book deal to pen my own story of child sexual abuse, albeit under a nom de plume.

Why did I do it? Why??

I would have to tell my family; they do not yet know of the project. My mother would be a protagonist in my book - I would need her consent. I am convinced now that she herself must have been sexually abused in her youth.

Oh, so dumb. Dumb, Padmé!

I had sat facing the chief publisher of the publishing house earlier that afternoon, palms sweating.

"I'm having goose bumps, just sitting here talking to you," I said.

She understood. "It's not easy writing your own story. But it will be cathartic."

She has been persistent, pursuing me since last year to sign the book contract. I had dithered and wavered.

"I can only remember four incidents," I had told her.

"Trust me. Just send me your chapter - let's say it's a 1,000 words. I will probe and ask you questions, and we'll make it 3,000 words. Together." She waved her pen. Like a magic wand.

I had my misgivings. But I trust her. She seemed earnest and true. Us survivors - we can sniff out duplicitous people from miles away. In-built defence mechanism.

I bit my lip and signed the document.

Time to talk to my mother. But how? We have hit a rough patch again.

Her last WhatsApp message has made her disappointment abundantly clear. Is this how you show your love to me? She had written.

I had not bothered to respond.

When I become a mother, if I become a mother, I vow not to hold my child hostage in such a manner. Let him or her learn to stumble, to find her own freedom, her own path in life. I shall withhold judgement, and be there for him/her.

In the name of love.

Read part ten here.

Read part nine here.

Read part eight here.

Read part seven here.

Read part six here.

Read part five here.

Read part four here.

Read part three here.

Read part two here.

Read part one here.