Child sexual abuse: On forgiveness and healing

There are three things to remember as you reach this stage of your journey. First, is forgiving your abuser a necessary part of healing? The answer is no. Forgiving your abuser and/or those who did not protect you as a child is not a requisite part of your healing journey. Whether or not you forgive them is really up to you.

It is your choice, and your choice alone.

Second, to make peace with your past, you must first of all - above else - forgive yourself. You must recognise that you had done all you could in order to survive. You were not at fault. You are not to be blamed that you could not protect yourself; you were a mere child.

You are not to be blamed that you needed love and attention. All children do. You are not to be blamed that you had felt pleasure and/or enjoyed the attention.

You are not to be blamed that you were beautiful, precocious, gentle, vulnerable or possess any special quality that your abuser used to justify his/her actions.

There are no excuses for child sexual abuse. While many abusers were themselves abused as children, this is no justification for abusing others.

Third, forgiving a crime such as child sexual abuse is not the same as forgiving your friend or family member over a trivial squabble. You should forgive in your own time, if you want to forgive at all.

Your friends and family may urge you to "forgive and forget", thinking that this is the best for you, not realising that you need to pace your own healing.

Trying to force forgiveness may backfire on you if you are not ready or willing: you may instead turn your anger inward and could, in the worst case scenario, succumb to negative thoughts or depression.

There are many ways to find resolution, to make peace with what has happened to you. For some survivors, this may include forgiving the abuser. For others, it does not.

You have the right to your own feelings and to decide for yourself. It had happened to you. No one else has the right to decide for you.

Forgive yourself first. The rest will come.

Read part 22 here.

Read part 21 here.

Read part 20 here.

Read part 19 here.

Read part 18 here.

Read part 17 here.

Read part 16 here.

Read part 15 here.

Read part 14 here.

Read part 13 here.

Read part 12 here.

Read part 11 here.

Read part ten here.

Read part nine here.

Read part eight here.

Read part seven here.

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Read part four here.

Read part three here.

Read part two here.

Read part one here.