An IIM passout talks about his strange relationship with money

I have a strange relationship with money. Like everyone, I know it is important. I realised a long time ago that it is money, not love, that makes the world go round. But to say that money matters is not the same as saying love is important or respect is essential. You either have it or you don't. And while you can spend your life searching for love or respect, there is something noble about those pursuits. The search for money, however, is a search for the cleanest item of waste in a gutter.

I own a house for which I pay a hefty EMI. The possession is later this year after which I will need to decide if I am going to shift into it or let it out. Besides, I pay rent for the place I currently live in. I maintain a car. My expenses are not great but given that I am a freelancer I have to be careful about how much I spend. Some months are good, others not so much. It would be easy to say that what I am complaining about is merely the fact of growing up and coming into one's own. But that doesn't capture the half of it. None of the things that I truly enjoy - cooking, watching movies, reading - cost a lot of money. But the act of living - planning for the future, maintaining a lifestyle today - does, and it is not exactly childish to bring up this fact.

I am the product of an MBA school so I am especially attuned to the depredations of money. I know firsthand what a strange, mesmeric influence it wields. I have seen perfectly nice people turn into monsters who screwed their relationships in the search for lucre. I know of colleagues who are in marriages of convenience because they like the cachet that money brings. I am aware of all this, yet I am cautious not to demarcate money as entirely baleful.

Of course, I like money. I like to treat myself to a good dinner or have enough petrol in my car. But money for its own sake has no resonance for me. I like to think of money as a byproduct of honest effort, a shockingly dated concept in today's world, I realise. When I read about how mobile apps are making stars of new-age entrepreneurs, it is the thrill of chancing upon that success, the knowledge that one has arrived, which is more special to me. That you also end up with big bucks in your bank account is a secondary, if not half-bad, outcome.

I hate the power that money brings. As a freelancer I often work with people who are richer than me by several orders of magnitude. Yet, I find myself haggling with them for the most basic emoluments. I grudge this. I like to believe that if I were rich I would be generous, but I am told money has a habit of changing those it comes to, so I don't know. I hate money because it comes to define us, our relationships. I went to an IIM to get an MBA because that is what everyone says is the smart thing to do. But I was entirely unsuited to the world inside the IIM. I had no idea how to conduct myself in a way that attracted attention and brought rewards. I was not a member of committees, nor was I in the race for case study awards. Along with a group of other down-and-outs, I passed my days there in a blur, hoping in vain for the great epiphany that I had been promised.

I am not stupid; I wanted to show the world that I had talent inside me - I could write and make people's eyes water with the force of my words. (At least I think I can.) But the IIM ecosystem would not allow it. It was a constant race to beat the system, to come out on top, to get the best offer. With my hazy ideas about material success, I was singularly unsuited to the enterprise.

What bothered me was that I was forced to acknowledge that the goals I had set for my life were not very sturdy in the face of the power of Mammon. I was a reader. That was my occupation. I was a gay man. That was my politics. I had a world of riches nestled inside me to share with the world. I had so much to say. But inside the IIM I was a failure because I did not harbour the desire to conquer the world via the august gates of investment banking.

Today I have lived down that experience. I look upon it as a bad memory that happened to me for no fault of mine. I was not ready for it, and at the time I did not know that I was not. I could only know by going there and living that life. I emerged from it hurting, but I have moved on. I wish I had attended a course that was more aligned to my interests - something in humanities. But even so, I don't think I should feel this out of touch with my education. Clearly, there was a deep discord there.

That said, I have become more certain of my place in the world. I know what matters to me, and what doesn't. There are times when I am caught up in the hypocrisy of hating my degree and my unwillingness to give it up because it can open doors for me. I think I would have always hungered for it if I had not gone there. Not the degree but the idea that there is something glorious inside the MBA ecosystem that prepares one to take on the world.

I know now that there is nothing glorious there. Or if there is, it is the kind of gladiatorial glory that I do not hanker for. I do not see myself as a soldier in battle, getting kicks out of decimating the opponent. And while I once fell for the glamour of an IIT/IIM education, I am certain I never want to join another race. Money launches one on a ride of respectability that does not stop until the end of one's life. Our social structures are so deeply entwined with money that one can feel pressured to give in.  

I am happy to have a warm meal and well-wishers around me. If luxuries come my way due to a serendipitous business decision, I will be happy. But I want my life to have enough innocence and lack of predestination.

I do non-MBA jobs today, such as writing and teaching, and I am very happy with the work I do. It brings me a lot of contentment. It does not bring me much money but I don't grudge that. The idea that I might have worked for money and not pleasure strikes a deep fear in my heart. Of the few day jobs that I have held, not one brought me satisfaction. As a freelancer I have freedom that I truly cherish.

I wonder if I might have turned out different had I not gone to a business school. It is possible that I would not have such an antagonistic relationship to money. But I am the product of my experiences and at the end of the day, I am in a happy place.