Vital Tips: The art of raunchy, intimate conversations
Have you never talked about what you enjoy when you have sex? Is that because you think sex talk is, well, 'dirty talk'?
Your mindset so needs to change.
What’s fascinating to start is that the phrase ‘dirty talk’ has more than one interpretation.
Its more sober counterpart is ‘sex talk’, which is defined as a healthy form of communication where you discuss your sexual expectation and desires with your partner. This features topics like the quality and frequency of your sexual experience, and how to achieve consistent mutual gratification.
However, the sexy talk in the spotlight today is the euphemistic pop-cultury one — the act of being verbally explicit about your preferences during foreplay and sexual intercourse, i.e. grr, meow — and oww.
Animalistic sounds aside, both the sober and raunchy interpretations are necessary for a healthy sex life.
Talking about your sexual experience before, during or after intercourse suggests a healthy self-awareness and intimacy with your sexual partner.
In fact, if you haven’t been talking sex or dirt so far, it would behove you to recalibrate your sexual POA ASAP.
Dr Shefali Batra, psychiatrist, cognitive therapist, founder of MINDFRAMES and co-founder of InnerHour, uses an analogy to explain: “When you dine out at a restaurant, you don’t eat whatever is given to you. You ask for a dish you like off the menu — You might even request that the dish be cooked a specific way. If you are able to specify this, why would you not talk to your partner about what you want your sexual experience and sexual life to be?”
So, whether you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for a significant period of time or are a casual dater, talking dirty paves the path to orgasmic sex for all.
“You’re simply communicating your sexual preferences, what you like and don’t like,” says Dr Batra.
Here’s the deal: Verbalising your enjoyment of a certain act or sensation isn’t just dirty talk, it also helps your partner understand what works for you, and guides them to pleasuring you better. Knowing that their moves are working for you is gratifying for your partner as well, and heightens their pleasure.
Win-win.
However, those who have not attempted or considered giving voice to their sexuality may find this terrain unnerving. For these newbies, the first step is to get educated — to become more aware of what you enjoy and don’t sexually. Paying attention to sensations during your next sexual encounter will help.
You may even want to explore your own body through masturbation to understand what your pleasure points are.
Doing a bit of research is helpful too — it’ll afford you more information about things like sexual positions you may prefer or want to experiment with. Of course, if you are considering experimenting with a new position or prop, it’s necessary to check with your partner first and see if they’re okay climbing aboard the new express train.
When it comes right down to it, talking dirty during sex, a.k.a. asking for what you want to be done or want to do isn’t all that difficult. But, if you’re inhibited, beginning with non-verbal cues could help break through your resistance.
For instance, a good substitute for verbal expression is guiding your partner’s hand — or head, if you please — to the position you want. Using sounds — moaning, purring, whatever works for you — can communicate pleasure until you’re comfortable articulating with words. In some cases, sensual music or a movie scene that’s sexually graphic may be your ticket.
Another trick is to role play — you may not be comfortable with dirty talking but your alter ego might be totally cool with putting descriptive and prescriptive thoughts into speech. If you’d like your partner to get on board with the dirty-dirty, discussing it with them and setting the stage — dim lights, sexy music, aroma candles — can only help.
And for those who prefer handy manuals, here are basic one-liners to kick-start your dirty mind.
Psst. Saying these in breathy whispers will keep the mercury rising.
— Does that feel good? / Do you like that?
— Ooh, I love it there
— I want to…
— I want you to…
— Your hands/lips feel so good on my…
Easy phrases to express pleasure are the ubiquitous ‘Oh my gawd’, ‘Yes, yes, yeaah’ and ‘That feels so goooood’. And if your sexual experience turns out subpar, Dr Batra suggests a post-coital discussion. “Healthily communicate it so that your partner knows how to make the experience more comfortable the next time. Sex is an important part of our lives. It’s not just for procreation but recreation too. It should be fulfilling. If you’re not going to enjoy it, what is the point?”
We stand by that!
Mic drop.
Also read: I am the ‘other’ woman in his life. But I am not the homewrecker here